In Dire Need of a Lucid Moment

The post below is supposed to be a 3 paragaph post on a few events that has been since my last post some 3-4 months ago.... it didn't really post well, but i won't delete it, it will forever remind me of blogger's inefficiency on that day, plus they might fix it in the future anyway...

Last night I found myself thinking of someone... (shit this is gonna be a love-related post)... Being a philandering idiot like me has its perks. For one thing, you get to spread the love you have to give to one person to several persons. It allows an exit-hole for all the love you hold and holds little risk in terms of actually falling for someone or having a heartache when one or more of the people you're flirting with gets a permanent or quasi-permanent relationship. But then, sometimes things can go a little wrong... like when you realize among the people you are flirting with, someone starts to stand out.

The last time I checked about my emotions was December 19, 2007. It involved 3 shots of tequila, 2 glasses of rhum-coke, and some brandy (I think..don't remember anymore). My subconscious becomes my conscious during my more lucid moments and I realize stuff I can't normally realize even after a full pondering session with the think tank. It told me that I still cared for a person who, figuratively speaking, doesn't exist anymore. Sure, if I asked around a bit and took some effort, I'd probably find her physical existence, but she isn't the same person anyway, so why bother... but anyway her aside... she is only a mere memory now anyway, (got that from my lucid moment as well)

Back to the one who sands out... it's not that I don't want to have a relationship, it's just that I can't afford one, given my current financial instability and my position in my organization. There is simply too much at risk again. Now for the first time since the last time someone held a monopoly on my heart, I find myself in need to kill something before it gets deeper into my head... Damn you christmas