gone missing

it has been missing for a few months now, but it really didn't matter to me up until now... wow... dejavu all over again. not like it was the first time it disappeared, but this time i doubt it will be coming back. oh well...

so here's to whatever it is that went missing. may you be happy wherever you are, though i am doubting your very existence now. haha

and so it goes, what's the whole point of blogging something no one will understand anyway.

thus, post end...

of equality: a post on my philosophy

whilst minding my own business watching some anime on my pc, my mom made a quick comment regarding some kid who was making money before he could even make first grade. all those evangelists i've ever met always said that God made everyone equal... and hello variance. over half the country are born with lives that teach them to look pathetic whenever they need some quick cash and switch to some ghetto bystander whose vocabulary is composed mostly of curse words. sad as it is, i estimate some 99% of these children will grow up the same way their parents did, reproduce and create more poor children, thus spreading our country's capital on foul bread. (or something)

on the other hand, the rich grow on a more controlled rate, not like the verminous reproduction rate of the poor. they are the people with the larger potential. the greater capital investment to burn up. and yet they spread slowly.

hope... it's the little spark that the poor (and the people who believe that the poor can rise) cling to. our culture's main form of entertainment revolves around cinderella stories that have these happy endings. how often do we get these poor girl meets rich boy stories, they end up married and poor girl gains the luxuries of the rich finally after spending a quarter of her lifetime in the slums. how often do we hear a sad poor person's life in an abs-cbn noon time show, the drama and hardships, the usual "mahirap lang kami, pero ok lang basta lagi kaming magkasama at magsisikap kami" and then abs-cbn hands them some money and then what?

are we seriously expecting to help the poor, one person at a time? spread our wealth one way or another in order to create a difference? after over a score of publicized generosity, are we getting any closer to changing this country?

when you think about it... aren't we just teaching the poor to believe in miracles? aren't we just allocating our taxes towards people who give the least to our society?

during my stay in up diliman, i've encountered several children who'd beg from people and look pathetic whenever they do...then when the person says no or gives some coins/food (ate ayoko nyan, pera gusto ko)/or bills the kid goes back to his friends and stops being pathetic, and does the whole ghetto lifestyle all over again... (and where are their parents anyway?)... and all i can say about them is their existences are annoying.

civic duty, human rights, they are also human... i know all that, but my heart is truly set on the feeling that they are still annoying and i'd be happier if they all just scrunched up in a corner and died en masse.

equality... can you really blame the poor that they can't or might not even want to strive to change their lives?

...the same way, can you blame me for hating them?

and God truly is a just Lord

ownership

who really owns your life? is it yours to do with what you wish? or do you have to play it by a certain script?

right now, i feel like i'm part of another chess game, as i have just recently decided not to go back to diliman for the same reasons i came there the first time. it's annoying, really, finding this little pang of sadness whenever i think that i won't be there when they expect me... a little more sadness to think that i will most probably not be back in my so promised 6 (now down to 5, actually) months. that i didn't say i will be there for the little event for the simple reason that i won't be.

goodbye was meant to be so much simpler than what I have to do... they just didn't want to take this seriously...

5 years in diliman, and i still have this piece of fishbone in my throat that said i didn't spend it the way i wanted it. it was supposed to be freedom, but i still played by the rules i've always followed my entire life... and now look at me, the avatar of pure regret. wishing he could take back those 5 years and build it up differently.

but life is the way it is, and what's done can never be undone. and that's just the way it is.

reader, own your life

Strange Personality Quizzes You'd Rather Never Take in Your Life Unless Your F*ck*n' Hell as Bored as I am Waiting for a Download to Finish

(The Last 7 are actually kinda fun)

Your Depression Level: 92%

You seem to be severely depressed. You should seek immediate attention from your physician. Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

You Are 36% Emo

You're definitely not emo, but you do understand emo people a little. You are introspective, but not to the point of driving yourself crazy.

Are You Emo?

You Are 40% Nerdy

You're a little nerdy, but no one would ever call you a nerd. You sometimes get into nerdy things, but only after they've become a part of mainstream culture.

How Nerdy Are You?

Your Gluttony Quotient: 56%

You definitely have your gluttonous moments. For you, eating is a true hobby. And while you do spend a lot on food, you can always make it back winning eating contests.

How Much Gluttony Do You Have?

Your Greed Quotient: 62%

You're definitely a greedy person, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep what's yours. You are a bit spoiled and demanding at times - make sure to give a little back to those who are generous with you!

How Much Greed Do You Have?

Your Sloth Quotient: 70%

You're a pretty lazy person, and you relish in your own sloth. While being lazy does feel good, you're missing out on the really good parts of life that take a little work.

How Much Sloth Do You Have?

Your Wrath Quotient: 52%

Ouch! You've got a bit of a temper going on there, don't you? Just make sure to keep your revenge fantasies just that... fantasies only!

How Much Wrath Do You Have?

Your Lust Quotient: 34%

You are a fairly lustful person, but nothing out of the norm. You usually keep your lust under control, but sometimes it gets the better of you.

How Much Lust Do You Have?

Your Envy Quotient: 44%

You are an envious person, but only at times. Perhaps certain situations trigger your envy. Or maybe you're especially jealous when you're feeling insecure. Instead of letting that green monster out, work on making your own life better. And then maybe people will be envious of you.

How Much Envy Do You Have?

Your Pride Quotient: 48%

You have your proud moments, but you're also likely to be a little ashamed of them. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's normal to want to make a stellar impression.

How Much Pride Do You Have?

Not of Great Improtance...

...life is...

2 weeks remaining. =)

Dejavu

Home is something I gave up on 5 years ago...when I decided to go to UP for all the right justifications but all the wrong motives...but as the law goes, motives do not affect the validity of contracts...

Back then, it was either to stay where I was comfortable, where everything was provided, where my future was closer to certain vs. go where life is uncomfortable, everything has to be sought for and nothing is certain... My justice was that I'd find a better future there, but reality pointed into simply not letting "you" go in the unknown world alone... Eventually, though, we'd forget each other and I'd realize that it was all a mistake... but wasn't it this same mistake that led me to my new life in a place where I actually found people I might consider my "friends" in contrast to the life I had, where I was alone... I was cynical... I was trivial...

And here I am again, trapped in the same dilemma, in a different point of view... Stay where everything loses its certainty whereas return to the old life...where everything is where I want them to be... return to my shell, where I could rest peacefully...finally....

I may say that I want to stay for the sake of a better chance in the workplace... to be with friends... to be with a better hope... but I'd be telling you justifications...

My true motive still remains... an escape... and a question I keep asking myself is... "will I make the same mistake all over again?"

Escape vs. Escape... Why would I seek something when it can no longer be sought for? Why not be sad in a place where I can never be happy than sad in a place where there is a hope to be?

I am here now in a world where the people I hope to be with are people who have never really understood how important they are to me... and now I have a chance to escape, and I doubt I'd take it... for reasons beyond me

And my download is finally done. =)

In Dire Need of a Lucid Moment

The post below is supposed to be a 3 paragaph post on a few events that has been since my last post some 3-4 months ago.... it didn't really post well, but i won't delete it, it will forever remind me of blogger's inefficiency on that day, plus they might fix it in the future anyway...

Last night I found myself thinking of someone... (shit this is gonna be a love-related post)... Being a philandering idiot like me has its perks. For one thing, you get to spread the love you have to give to one person to several persons. It allows an exit-hole for all the love you hold and holds little risk in terms of actually falling for someone or having a heartache when one or more of the people you're flirting with gets a permanent or quasi-permanent relationship. But then, sometimes things can go a little wrong... like when you realize among the people you are flirting with, someone starts to stand out.

The last time I checked about my emotions was December 19, 2007. It involved 3 shots of tequila, 2 glasses of rhum-coke, and some brandy (I think..don't remember anymore). My subconscious becomes my conscious during my more lucid moments and I realize stuff I can't normally realize even after a full pondering session with the think tank. It told me that I still cared for a person who, figuratively speaking, doesn't exist anymore. Sure, if I asked around a bit and took some effort, I'd probably find her physical existence, but she isn't the same person anyway, so why bother... but anyway her aside... she is only a mere memory now anyway, (got that from my lucid moment as well)

Back to the one who sands out... it's not that I don't want to have a relationship, it's just that I can't afford one, given my current financial instability and my position in my organization. There is simply too much at risk again. Now for the first time since the last time someone held a monopoly on my heart, I find myself in need to kill something before it gets deeper into my head... Damn you christmas

To whom it [still] concerns