what i never told you

what began as a little distraction for her just got of hand...too far out of hand. before it happened, i had my usual self-debate on the effects of what i would do. why bother starting something that you know will only end soon? it was the same problem i had when i was deciding to go to Diliman for the sake of another. but i guess this was something i really wanted, so knowing the remote chance of success, i still took the risk. i was stupid to think that it wouldn't be that hard to keep myself at a safe distance and still be there when i was needed. and it was also much more stupid of me to think that i was capable of ending it myself as soon as i was no longer needed. it's funny, our problems are much more similar than i first thought it to be. :) i have always known the problem at hand, i just refused to acknowledge it, thinking that it would just speed up the inevitable ends. and here was where i was most stupid, believing that it was possible for it not to end. *Zero is too smart for its own good...he's making me depressed again...* but i did do something later... i remember you asking "why are you telling me this now?" the delay was all because of the thought that i didn't want to end things yet. what i told you then was something intended to be more of a speed up than a slow down, i gave up at that time. just thought that maybe if I did something about it, i wouldn't feel to bad about having to let go. I was right, it was easier to handle things when you know you've already said your own part. How it happened that we came back from where we started is something beyond my analysis. Just when i thought that things were better that way, things come rolling back and the thing is, and i am enjoying myself again. and all this is at another's expense. haha...:D what i want for christmas is something no one can give. :)