happiness

after spending the weekend watching anime, doing posters, walking around malls with friend and family, and staring at an empty space, i found the thing i really want to do. I enjoy doing stuff that are completely useless for the sake of enjoying. More people should learn that hyper-effieciency is a bad thing, and would result to a break of mind, body, and spirit. (i mean you, richellou)

maybe it's because i'm too laid back for my own good, but i enjoy staring at empty spaces, thinking of absolutely nothing that could possibly help me or mankind in any way.

Today, I learned the value of a bookstore. It kills 30 mins easily when you're 2 hours too early for a movie, even if neither you or your companion is that interested in books (and to think the thought of asking her to watch a movie was to drag her away from her books.)

it's funny, i actually enjoyed my weeked *thinking of jen's reply: "njoy ur wkend 2"* life is filled with signs and allusions. :)

abort, retry, fail

i guess the biggest difference i have with those who chose to let go was that i've always loved accounting (though it doesn't seem to love me as much, academically speaking)

i thought that failing accounting was a certain thing, but who knew it would give me a failing grade and still let me continue living my life for it. But before that, i thought my life would shatter...the thought of giving up on something that you love was so real...so i made plans. i convinced myself that it wouldn't be too bad to give up on accounting... after all, it has always made me suffer more than necessary... maybe i'll do things that i've always wanted to do but couldn't because of accounting!

and so my contingency plan was accomplished, and so that maybe i could be happier without accounting. i can be active in JPIA without any holdbacks...i'll have enough time to play my PC games... i won't have to take a board exam or anything like that. it CAN be perfect, and losing accounting might be painful at first, but it CAN be so much better, and probably will... I took steps to secure the plan, i applied for FP, I looked up my subjects, and I started taking precautions for the worst (or maybe BEST)

akalain mo, pumasa ako...with a grade of 68.79 (passing was 69, pinagbigyan ako) and a 100% consideration for quizzes and assignments (which was supposedly below 50%). it was something so fragile, that even a single -1 variable could ruin, but it was there... i didn't have to give it up after all...

...but what if I fell in love with my contingency plans? what if I decided that I'd rather have a higher paying CFA job rather than a would-be CPA?

but i really didn't have a choice in the matter...i had to continue accounting, i had to give up part of my contingency plans, but i had to face the responsibilities of the things I engaged in while preparing my contingency plans.

now, i am still an accounting student, who has more work because of his contingency plan, more responsibilities, more things to worry about...but i can't do anything about it...or maybe i don't want to do anything about it.

is it really "MY" life to live? "MY" choices? is accouting what i want? or maybe i truly want to give up accounting and just live my plan B?

at least accounting has potential...that makes all the difference between this and that.

temporary

temporary respite...i have a week with no exams (i think), still won't get much sleep though, have somewhere to go 6:30 later, and FP's midpoint will be an overnight in marj's house (asa ka pang may tulog ako don)

FP's materializing, will be there soon

feeling emotionally dettached, shouldn't last too long.

found new reasons in life, they could be more mistakes, and will probably end badly, but i'll take it anyway, for the sake of learning. :)

yes, chiara, i am a user... i've accepted that already. Using people to my advantage (and getting used in the process) flows through me as naturally as my blood flow, so i can't help it.

everything in life is temporary, that's why people act the way they are. we only have one life to live so we try to live it as it lasts, and we have to give up somethings to pursue what we truly want. The things in life aren't here forever, so we try to enjoy it while it lasts, when it's gone, it probably won't be coming back. But when you figure out that even emotions can be temporary, you start losing sight of the point of living life. You will enjoy it, but for how long? You will be depressed, but for how long?

and that is why people act the way they do. they just have their own versions of enjoying life or just waiting for it to end.

lost sheep

the very things that matter most to you are probably the things that you will lose.

sorry...feel very bad because of it.

what it means to be type-d

got this from reader's digest not a long time ago.

the type-d personality basically means that you are so much more prone to heart attack than the usual person. this is probably caused by the fact that you worry too much about things, you don't get enough sleep, and you lack the basic or above basic social needs, such as good friends.

so if you're the type of person who's usually alone, has trouble falling asleep most of the time, worries more than you don't, and has unexplained chest pains... this is you.

so if you are type-d, you have to accept one fact, you will die sooner than most other people. here are some things that you should do:
a. turn your life to hell and make yourself regret every living moment
and look forward to death or
b. do something about it and live life to the fullest

If you choose b you should:
i. be safe, avoid stressful things and enjoy your life without putting itself into risk
ii. risk it, live your life for a reason, for a belief. If you find what you are looking for, you will live longer; if you don't you will die sooner.

BTW, if you are reading this before my exam ends, if it isn't too much trouble, pray for me. with my current study state, i could really use it. i may not look it, but i still want to believe in something, and i still have plans to live long(er)

"you're the same...i mean that in a good way"

what joie said to me after not seeing her since last April... actually joie, you just missed it.

funny how things happened the way they did. jeona said (after not talking to her since time immemorial) that i was different... in a way that she couldn't express to be good or bad... just different. How joie saw me as the same when the transition point was in between is beyond me.

maybe it doesn't matter. :) the same feelings are happening again... as though nothing happened between April and now. Like my life just lapsed a while from then to now, only accounting is 10x harder and i have a pang of pain on my chest every 10 mins or so. My personal stand was supposedly: a student of life who learns from all the mistakes you have to go through. So why do i feel like the entire 8 months just happened for no good reason.

life...is not worth living sometimes. or maybe it's just because i'm back to who i was before that day of october... it's like nothing happened

"you're the same... i mean that in a good way. you're the vincent i like, and if you're any different you'll be a different vincent."

...right...

Vincent, your true color is Blue!

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!
-from http://web.tickle.com

return

Back to school...back to my dorm bed...back to a bunch of other stuff. Though the vacation was short, it was enjoyable at the very least. Below are some of the more significant things I did.

After tripling my usual meals. I have finally gained a whopping 1KG! Unberibwaboru! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (yes...i am pathetic)

Spent over 60 hours playing Radiata Stories. The game is about Jack Russel, a 16-year old boy who dreams about becoming a famous knight like his late father. He lived a happy life as a mercenary (after being kicked out from the knights) until the day his friend (and apparently beloved) Ridley gets possessed by the spirit of an ancient elf. Thus he has to make a choice between living his dreams, saving humanity and becoming all famous OR protecting the girl, having to fight all those he once considered as friends for the sake of his love.

Spent less than 60 hours making movies with the Lionhead Game: The Movies (for the PC). Realized that I am not as disturbed with Lesbians than I am with Gays. Realized I love making money off other people's efforts. (Maybe i should become a movie star manager)

Spent a lot of time doing Skousen problems (accounting is never truly forgotten for too long)

Watched Chicken Little. It was short, and...short.

Watched (listened to...it's hard to watch a movie while playing PC games at the same time) Notting Hill for the third time. Classic!

Went out of the house 3 times. First involved light Christmas Shopping, buying pizza and being mistaked for a girl. Second involved lunch, mom's birthday and getting mistaked for a girl. Third involved going to Pampanga, never returning to Baguio, and getting mistaked for a girl. (...life...)

Felt like I lost something important. Tried to ignore it, but the feeling is still there. Did a lot of reflection over the break over this, but to no avail. Tried, considered, can't...not when things are happening as they are. Life is that simple, i guess.

Greeted people Merry Christmas. The one person you truly want to hear from ignores you...completely.

Got worried over things, the usual.

Greeted people a happy new year after resolving to just reply to those who text me first. (willpower zero). Face it, am hopeless. Tried to miss call someone 9 seconds after ABS-CBN announced the new year, failed. Tried with someone else...*sh*t it connected*. To the involved sorry, didn't mean anything with that. Realized a feeling, waiting for someone to text, seeing the message came from someone else, get disappointed. She must have felt the same.

Watched Dodgeball. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

After reflecting figured out things I want to do, but will probably never do!
-become a farmer in Hokkaido. (did i spell that right? mooooo!)
-live as a buddhist monk in the himalayas (solitude)
-be a book-owner in london (all the books, and the double-deck buses, and the rain)
-have a family (life is painful, a family is painful, pain is the epitaph of learning...now if only i can convince myself that what i just said is true)
-be a manager of a movie star (cash from another's stupidity and effort)
-be a games tester for a leading video game company (love and money in one)