tseason's greetings

yming right now for FP. *Go FP*

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

will update better next year. :)

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

got the above from Jill. :) hi jill

what i never told you

what began as a little distraction for her just got of hand...too far out of hand. before it happened, i had my usual self-debate on the effects of what i would do. why bother starting something that you know will only end soon? it was the same problem i had when i was deciding to go to Diliman for the sake of another. but i guess this was something i really wanted, so knowing the remote chance of success, i still took the risk. i was stupid to think that it wouldn't be that hard to keep myself at a safe distance and still be there when i was needed. and it was also much more stupid of me to think that i was capable of ending it myself as soon as i was no longer needed. it's funny, our problems are much more similar than i first thought it to be. :) i have always known the problem at hand, i just refused to acknowledge it, thinking that it would just speed up the inevitable ends. and here was where i was most stupid, believing that it was possible for it not to end. *Zero is too smart for its own good...he's making me depressed again...* but i did do something later... i remember you asking "why are you telling me this now?" the delay was all because of the thought that i didn't want to end things yet. what i told you then was something intended to be more of a speed up than a slow down, i gave up at that time. just thought that maybe if I did something about it, i wouldn't feel to bad about having to let go. I was right, it was easier to handle things when you know you've already said your own part. How it happened that we came back from where we started is something beyond my analysis. Just when i thought that things were better that way, things come rolling back and the thing is, and i am enjoying myself again. and all this is at another's expense. haha...:D what i want for christmas is something no one can give. :)

change of heart

legs are killing me... life is too exhausting recently with all the walk-ins, reviews, classes, petty problems, and detours i have to take. well, at least i didn't get a violation last night...

*life...sometimes i wonder if you even know half of the things i have to go through for you* |D

recently losing sleep over a nagging feeling i got sometime during the weekend, somehow i felt that things weren't the same anymore. i didn't feel as energetic as i usually do (and that should equivalent to almost dead in my case) but after the calm feeling i got when i woke up after an hours nap awhile ago, i figured it must have been fatigue (FP...). Getting a better rested mind, and seeing things that matter to you usually in a close range from a distance makes you realize a few things...

realized a few things really can't be changed that easily. haha :P my little experiment failed, things are back from where I left it 2 weeks ago. The things that happened recently must be my fault for trying to rush changes too much. Maybe I was just getting too comfortable with my current life that I got too afraid, so i ended up trying to destroy it before anything else does... *yes, i am weird*

so i guess the lesson here is to just live with what you have and make the most out of it. Things won't last forever, but maybe i should be less of a wheel of destiny and just let things happen as they should. (or maybe i shouldn't...who knows)

BACBACAN's over, hope you are in a better mood now. :)

Just Before I Poke With My Sister's CPU

spent most of the day with my dad and sister today.

found out that the Ortigas Station is closer to SM than the Shaw Station, but if you're gonna go to Shangri-la beforehand, take the Shaw station.

Everything in Shangri-la Plaza (or was that Crossings?...or are they one and the same?) is expensive. Mrs Fields ice cream is good.

Hotel room, missed the chance to take a night in one last night (also missed seafood feast last night)

Had lunch in some Chinese Restaurant, ordered Squid balls and seaweeds noodles (for the experience of taking it). Hated it like hell, puked 30 mins later. *sigh*

Went to Toy Store, found cute teddy bear and pig (...ur...) piggy banks. Thought, it would be cruel to withdraw your cash after (poor Barbie). *but i guess it would be fun to hammer that teddy bear*. Also saw some toys which were so disturbingly cute, you'd get a shiver.

Found a potential catch job in case I fail accounting. I would like to work in the toy department and get paid to build model kits (although they are for other people)

Bought 50 P8 CDs. Should have bought P7 CDs, but I changed my mind when I saw the CDs with the Sheep design (bought 10 of those and 40 other CDs)

Bought a P45 CD spindle... later found a P39 CD spindle that can hold as much... *darn*

Homewards...got worried about taking the right train home. Relief came later when I found out it was the right train. (wondered if MRT's normally swayed left and right)

remembering something

can't sleep...thoughts are bugging me....

it wasn't a year ago when my life changed...the usual depression i had vanished for a while, but when it returned, it was different, it was easier to handle. It was sometime December last year... I tried not to tell her, but eventually i did... i wanted to wait until things were better. Maybe somehow, i could save what i believed in and reserve what i wanted to say to make things better. But eventually i realized that there are some things that will never happen. I decided to let go of my little dream so another can live hers. as far as i know, my words became a catalyst...no... rather a reactant of change. (it had a bad by-product). Since then, i realized i was no longer afraid of changes... I knew i would be depressed but it would not last forever. I had to watch things I never wanted to see, listen to things i never wanted to hear, touch things i never wanted to feel. But that did make me stronger (emotionally)...

had i not done what i did... would things be different? i really don't have any regrets on what i did almost a year ago... i do wish i told her sooner... it could have saved a lot of people quite some pain...

...but why does this time feel so different from the last?...