the lighter side (cont'd)

ba lobby
vincent: "ate guard, may naiwan akong ID sa classroom kahapon. saan ko siya pwede hanapin."
ate guard: "tanungin mo si kuya *inser name i have forgotten here*, nakasuot siya ng *insert agency which i have forgotten here* shirt. kung wala sa kaniya, baka nakuha ng kaklase mo."
vincent: "salamat ate. malamang wala yun sa kaklase ko, mejo uwian na nung nawala ko siya."

later... ba 3rd floor, near a pair of trash cans
vincent: "kuya, may napulot ba kayong ID kahapon?"
kuya *whose name i have forgotten*: "wala"
vincent: "sige kuya, salamat na lang."

later... ba 105
vincent: "excuse me po, mag-aaply po for shifting."
person in charge gets list for me to fill up
vincent *trying to grab a pen in bag*: "may nag-iawan po ba ID dito?"
person shakes her head
vincent realizes he is grasping a rectangular plastic object, realizes that he never lost his ID to begin with... grabs a pen and signs up for the shifting application.

much later... yakal residence hall, rm 123
vincent: "Dawn, alam mo yung ID ko?"
dawn: "o, nahanap mo na?"
vincent: "nasa bag ko lang pala."
...long pause....
dawn: "you're dumb"

and so the missing ID was found, and i can still enroll without the hassle of getting a temporary ID this summer. can something that was never what it was be what it is?

apparently...

if my depressiion brings rain on a hot summer's day, maybe i should not even try to be happy

goodbye

...maybe i'm worrying about things that really shouldn't matter...maybe things won't be much different despite what will happen in the near future...but still, i feel things just doesn't have a reason anymore... i'm sorry if i'm like this, but i really can't help but feel like i've missed a deadline... and like things don't matter anymore...like it's over... but if they really don't matter... why do i feel so empty. face it, was never the emotional type... maybe my low-low emotional self is acting up and making me feel like this... myabe i want to give up because it becomes it gets too complicated...

...i admit that the things i have to go through hurts quite a bit...whether the pains are worth the trouble are still questionable. i often try to convince myself that the pains i have to go through is worth it...this way i won't give up. ...if it means i have to give up on a few things, i will give up to pass it... if it means having to stay up a few nights, i'll do it... but i want to know if i'm actually getting closer to my goal...or do i want to know? i'm afraid of the truths i do not want to accept... so i pretend i have given up, despite hoping... so i pretend nothing is wrong, even if my insides are being torn apart.. are the pains really taking me anywhere? i don't want to think it doesn't...been hurting too much

...right now i feel exhausted... in a way that i don't think even temporary sleep can satisfy... is it wrong for me to want to disappear? for me to just forget everything?

..in the end, it all goes down to the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO LET GO.. but i have to do what i must... maybe it's too soon to give up... but a part of me has had enough of the pains... but then the larger part of me...still...

...i'm sorry if i feel like this, but i need a fail-safe, so i will fill up shifting papers sometime tomorrow... i don't want to give up, but i still need to consider my alternatives...my larger future... because i know that if things do not work out, it won't and unlike others, there won't be another chance...

on the lighter side :) :) :)
Klek: "Vincent, nahulog ID mo."
Vincent: "mm (nods head...busy with 186 exams, hating the fact that he doesn't know how to make an ERD)"
Klek: "Vincent, yung ID mo."
Vincent: "Alam ko..."
Klek: "Di mo pupulutin?"
Vincent: "Mamya na"

10:00 pm, vincent opens his wallet, realized he has forgotten to pick up his ID... *sigh*

harvest

tomorrow is going to be 1 of the 2 exams that would probably push my life back into direction, or send me towards my one way trip to perpetual self-resentment. and i'm updating my blog.

inspired by the fact that there are people who believe i can do something about it, about the fact that ma'am salazar tried to snap me back into reality, and the fact that my "students" (claims to have) understood what i thought them pretty well. (the person with the higher goal, teaching...)

demotivated by the fact that the exercise a while ago sent my brain to a state of near-vegetable.

if you plant enough seeds, one of them has to grow...

blink

was annoyed at the world for some unknown reason. got mad after lotte said a sentence. got mad after pete smiled. i don't feel like myself anymore... or maybe i'm being my true self.

am having this strange feeling that life is passing by so quickly but i am in a standstill. i feel like i'm wasting second after second for nothing of importance. in need of a jumpstart... accounting exams is coming up and i haven't reviewed much (again)

dawn was socializing with streetchildren while waiting for our food to be ready (take out sa Rodic's). revelations: streetchildren (at least those in UP Campus) take baths, whenever they get home from work (collecting cans and PET) they have revenues of around Php 40 from a day's haul.

found a hidden source of cash in my locker, can be liquid for the next 3 days (di pa ako uutang sa kapatid ko!) :)

side note:
If you can make someone happy by just saying her name, should you say her name just to make her happy?

a need to rant

exam tomorrow. grade needed to keep in order to pass, 80...then i get a default -10 for forgetting to pass a set of papers before the exam... signs? maybe...i doubt that i'll be sleeping tonight

i'm sorry

the price of sanity

the reason for me to loose over 5 hours of my daily sleep for the past week has finally ended. at the beginning (on the first sleepless night, actually) i decided to get rid of my control for the sake of my sanity. that involved not holding back any of the emotions i happen to feel.

at the end of it all, i succeeded in keeping [most of] my sanity. i managed to get rid of the bulk of the exhausted feeling i had after 2 hours of lying down with my eyes closed while thinking "ang ingay ni bitoy." but it came at the price of loosing 2/3 of the net self-respect i had from people, a bulk load of guilty feelings, and an emotional thorn for every person i dissed during my most selfish moments.

and now the usual question...is the fact that i am still sane now worth the pains of knowing that you are nothing more than a liability to this messed up world.

and the world is further disappointed by devils who try wearing halos and white feathery wings.

on the lighter side of life:

The UP Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants, the Financial Project Team, and a bunch of sponsors bring you

LIKHAIN: A Celebration of Unique Filipino Creations


Featuring:
An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
A Fashion Show with apparel from edible materials
and Performances from Local Contemporary Bands

March 11, 2006 (Sa Sabado na Ito!)
7:00 PM
Bahay ng Alumni, UP CAMPUS

Tickets at Php 350 (Inclusive of buffet)

For More Information or TIcket Orders, text me at 09183010777

reorganizing

met a bunch of "emancipated men" a while ago. they taught me the importance of balancing one's life. Don't let one area of your life take full control of your entirety. Balance should be kept between acads, org, and fun. What I like about them was that they were all successful. I mean, this was the first time i've ever ridden in a car with a sun roof. They even treated all 12 of us with dinner and beer. Capability...this was something i've always envied...whenever people had something that i didn't, or was able to do something i couldn't. I try to keep myself stoic, but it really isn't helping me much with my heart problems. I feel exhausted... I feel like giving up on everything that life has given. I am having a very bad death wish, and on a time when i needed someone to help me with my burden, everybody fails me.

i guess one way occurs in my life more than once at a time.

and when i needed a comfort zone, you failed me. maybe this is why cigarrettes where invented. (no, i don't smoke...) maybe i'll enjoy this new organizatiion more...