unplanning

recently, i've been stuck with the feeling that i'm spending my resources in things that would not result in anything good anytime in the future... like i'm just living the present presented upon me rather than molding it into a future i want to live... have i given up on all hope for a happy future? how long can it possibly be anyway? i'm a person destined to live a short life... and is that a reason enough to waste it? is that reason enough to live it to the fullest? would i care? would i be happier if i made something about my life? would it hurt to give a little more effort to actually accomplish something? is it just me or is it harder to read a paragraph if you don't capitalize the right letter? is it that hard to push the shift key to begin my sentences?

anyway... on another point of view, i may not be enjoying my present because i am giving too much attention to the future. the fact that i need a certain amount of passion, commitment and frequent coincidence to enjoy something means that i can't enjoy anything because most of the things that occur in my life lacks one or more of the preceding... things may hit hard...but they don't leave enough of a mark to be called "strong".

moreover...even people seem to be becoming of an even more shallow value than they used to have... there used to be people i can actually like or even actually care for. but recently they seem to be loosing value... as though they don't mean anything anymore, as though their purposes for me have expired and their existences are getting annoying. to add to that, even more people-who-i-simply-hate-naturally-and-would-i-would-be-happy-if-i-won't-see-them-again type people are appearing in front of me. generally speaking, i am containing more annoyed feelings more often than i ever used to.

*sigh* i think i'm starting to understand how villains are born and how they feel. is it really my fault that i'm this annoyed? did i have a choice?

i guess someone has to play the role of the silent antagonist anyway... look out world! i'm gonna start my plan of mass destruction as soon as i graduate!