sem break

final exam bukas sa 114.1, at nag-uupdate ako ng blog habang naghahanap ng WINAMP Skin at nakikinig ng instrumental version ng Don't Cry for Me Argentina.

i can finally take a break after tomorrow, and I'd wake up in Baguio. *relief* to bad it might end sooner than expected... still need to get my 114.1 grade as soon as it's ready. Plus there's planning sem (payagan kaya ako?). I have no idea what convinced me to become an EB (again) after I told myself that it would be too much work. Must be the pending ease of life caused by the this sem's loss. I am now a vice chair for promotions for the financial project *or i think i am*

maybe it hasn't really hit me yet...sem break... Baguio, cold climate, playstation, a pantry full of food, no accounting *regardless whether it's sem break or not* , no assignments, no more exams, no collateral worries...no Broadband internet connection from 8:00pm to 1:00am, 24-hrs during weekend.

funny though, i am not actually looking forward *that much* to going home... maybe it's my failing accounting subject; maybe it's the loss of the nice *quasi-nice* internet connection; maybe because i really don't see the reason to go home had i the choice not to, maybe it's because the fact that there is no thing-that-I-want-to-be-OK-and-the-fact-that-it-was-OK-before-i- left-home-gives-me-the-false-impression-that-it-would-be-OK-again-when-i-get-home, or maybe because i have this feeling that the "distance" will make things "distant" from what i want to heppen.

...well who cares...i guess. as long as i don't have any exams to worry about, who cares if i'm missing something because of the fact that i am going home.

dear reader, don't bother checking this site for two weeks since this post, won't update any when i get home

bumps along the way (accrued love, expensed as hatred)

just when you thought you've finally planned out your broken life you find half-truths, revelations, constraints and other hindrances...

...you find out that the subject you just want to give up on won't let you go without giving you hell...

...you find out that the family who has given you the right to fail won't let you give up in the remote chance that you did pass...

...you find out that your father is blaming you for the failure, because you did not strive hard enough...

...you find out that your extremely undemanding academic life won't begin anytime soon...

...you find out that the dorm won't let you stay any longer than Friday, meaning I'll have to look for a place to stay for a while...

...you realize that taking an EB position would involve extra costs in cash and time in the form of planning sems and other stuff...

...you realize that your little break in Baguio would be cut short with all the things you need to get and do, from contingent planning seminars to getting your failed grade in 114.1...

...you remember that father would never come to pick up your stuff and leave you to stay in Diliman...

...you find out that your cash and clothes (should have given my laundry) would not sustain you for too long if you do extend your stay in Diliman...

...you remember petty commitments in your life that will get into your way...soon...


There has been so much that I wanted to do, and so much I want to do (or do still)... but sometimes there are just too many constraints to make things possible... There are things that you want to stop doing, but events lead you to keep doing them. Do I not have enough control over my life to choose the things I want to give up on? Here's another funny thing, families are supposed to know you better than anyone else, right? So why does everyone else understand the feeling I have and they don't?

And after rejecting me four times, you still won't let me go, will you? Maybe I am that pathetic... to keep suffering for your sake regardless of all the pains you have put me through... Was it not enough for you to tell me in the face you will never like me the way I did to you? You just have to taunt me until the last moment, keep beside me, make me feel like I am nothing without you, then discard me right after. Let's see if you can still manage to make me suffer next sem, when you become Managerial instead of Advanced.

and after all that... ngiti naman tayo. :)

dream's end

today was the end of my dream to debit and credit. and the funny part is, i'm not depressed. i'm more disappointed by the fact that she was ignoring me after the exam than the fact that i could hardly understand any of the bond problems. face it, after being rejected three times, the fourth time was like *woosh*. the first step in forgiveness to oneself is acceptance, i guess.

other things that have happened:

talkative rabbit was losing weight, but pretty nonetheless

sinabi ko naman na ganyan ako, diba?

pizza hut. hindi sulit

wasted cash again...

thought of the moment: "waking up isn't that bad."

the sound of rain falling...

...has nothing to do with this post...

lost post...here's the gist. I'm sorry, for saying, for doing, for trying, all when i should not be.

accounting, 2 more...maybe you'd smile, maybe you won't. but still...

maybe it's too late, but i will still keep trying, until the very last moment has been spent or wasted.

one last week in Diliman, then finally, rest. whether in peace or anxiety, time will tell.