bumps along the way (accrued love, expensed as hatred)

just when you thought you've finally planned out your broken life you find half-truths, revelations, constraints and other hindrances...

...you find out that the subject you just want to give up on won't let you go without giving you hell...

...you find out that the family who has given you the right to fail won't let you give up in the remote chance that you did pass...

...you find out that your father is blaming you for the failure, because you did not strive hard enough...

...you find out that your extremely undemanding academic life won't begin anytime soon...

...you find out that the dorm won't let you stay any longer than Friday, meaning I'll have to look for a place to stay for a while...

...you realize that taking an EB position would involve extra costs in cash and time in the form of planning sems and other stuff...

...you realize that your little break in Baguio would be cut short with all the things you need to get and do, from contingent planning seminars to getting your failed grade in 114.1...

...you remember that father would never come to pick up your stuff and leave you to stay in Diliman...

...you find out that your cash and clothes (should have given my laundry) would not sustain you for too long if you do extend your stay in Diliman...

...you remember petty commitments in your life that will get into your way...soon...


There has been so much that I wanted to do, and so much I want to do (or do still)... but sometimes there are just too many constraints to make things possible... There are things that you want to stop doing, but events lead you to keep doing them. Do I not have enough control over my life to choose the things I want to give up on? Here's another funny thing, families are supposed to know you better than anyone else, right? So why does everyone else understand the feeling I have and they don't?

And after rejecting me four times, you still won't let me go, will you? Maybe I am that pathetic... to keep suffering for your sake regardless of all the pains you have put me through... Was it not enough for you to tell me in the face you will never like me the way I did to you? You just have to taunt me until the last moment, keep beside me, make me feel like I am nothing without you, then discard me right after. Let's see if you can still manage to make me suffer next sem, when you become Managerial instead of Advanced.

and after all that... ngiti naman tayo. :)