my sanctuary

The room... it used to have 2 seniors, 1 sophie, and another questionably ranked person who was hardly there. He learned to like the cold(er than usual) room...the dim lighting, the messy tables, the rat-infested closets... it wasn't the best room... but it was his room, and he learned to like it.

The best thing about the room was always the solitude in the weekends. He was never a socialite and enjoyed being alone ever so often. People misunderstood him, saying that he was missing out a lot by being alone...but he wanted to be alone... It was his vice, the same way a smoker wanted his cigarette, the drinker his wine...he was a loner, and he wanted and cherished his loneliness.

His room was marked by its loneliness, the room of 4 was usually just occupied by 2. And during weekends, his only other roommate would go home and he'd be alone... Alone, free to use the room however he chose to.

But his loneliness couldn't be kept forever, soon his roommates would be replaced, and the blank beds would then always be occupied. He got used to the first of the new roommates, for although he didn't go home during weekends, he was an early sleeper and loner found his solitude during the evenings, and in those evenings free to be alone (at least in mind).

However came to other roommate, the former floormate. He wasn't a bad roommate in the views of most, but the loner thought in a different way from others... The roommate (before he became one) was OK, simple quiet person who didn't talk too much... But then, he started lingering in the room at times when the loner wanted to be alone, and he lingered longer that the loner's threshold was reached more than once. He was a loner, and naturally disliked those who tried to get too close and take away his loneliness... The roommate, for him, was annoying... The square jaw that made his face look like an inverted, elongated pentagon; the smile he would always flash when they pass each other; the soft, bed-room voice that was not afraid to sing a toneless song; the pull he has on people; the "what have I ever done to you" act; the persistence; the "sacrifice"; the mere existence of something that tried to break his loneliness.

Despite his strong "hints" to prevent the floormate from becoming a roommate, the worst still came to be and he couldn't do anything about it but give more hints.

And now the loner, faced with so much frustration as he fails to put into words the exasperating feeling of thinking about the roommate, sitting 3 chairs away watching a movie, killing what is supposed to be the loner's alone time.

"Is loneliness that much to ask? He was only one room away, why did he have to move? Why did he have to stay?"

A Hibiscus is not a Rose

If there is something life is trying to etch into my mind right now, it's the fact that specific objects cannot represent one another adequately to create a replacement...or simply...one thing cannot replace another. The fact that these things cannot replace the other is probably the reason one gets stuck in discontinuity...or rather, the fact that one forces to accept something to replace another is the reason one gets stuck in this discontinuity.

Reality is always something that moves towards an end to support new beginnings, the same way beginnings occur in order to create an ending... Further, reality isn't something that keeps a constant lose an apple get a new one cycle... Eventually, you'll need to pick up an orange. Even further, if you pick up one apple, it would always be different from the last apple you got. It's like law, things are determinate, and if you want a specific apple which is not available, you'll need to move on with life and just go and starve or pick up whatever is in sale. But what if you aren't after the apple because it is an apple...what if you wanted THAT apple because of the fact that it was the sweetest among any other apples... that is when you realize that you are privileging yourself to rights that you were never entitled to have.

Nothing else can replace what has already been lost, and the biggest mistake one can make is to force something to replace another... Is replacement a method of moving on? Or is it something that just blinds you from seeing the real picture you need to face? If you think that a hibiscus would replace a rose, your just fooling yourself...but if you find that a hibiscus is something that WILL give you as much utility as the rose, then you should be OK.

End thought, REALITY doesn't wait, but you don't need to chase it.