further beyond the results of boredom

gone missing

2008-05-11T17:11:00.002+08:00

it has been missing for a few months now, but it really didn't matter to me up until now... wow... dejavu all over again. not like it was the first time it disappeared, but this time i doubt it will be coming back. oh well...

so here's to whatever it is that went missing. may you be happy wherever you are, though i am doubting your very existence now. haha

and so it goes, what's the whole point of blogging something no one will understand anyway.

thus, post end...

of equality: a post on my philosophy

2008-05-06T21:07:00.002+08:00

whilst minding my own business watching some anime on my pc, my mom made a quick comment regarding some kid who was making money before he could even make first grade. all those evangelists i've ever met always said that God made everyone equal... and hello variance. over half the country are born with lives that teach them to look pathetic whenever they need some quick cash and switch to some ghetto bystander whose vocabulary is composed mostly of curse words. sad as it is, i estimate some 99% of these children will grow up the same way their parents did, reproduce and create more poor children, thus spreading our country's capital on foul bread. (or something)

on the other hand, the rich grow on a more controlled rate, not like the verminous reproduction rate of the poor. they are the people with the larger potential. the greater capital investment to burn up. and yet they spread slowly.

hope... it's the little spark that the poor (and the people who believe that the poor can rise) cling to. our culture's main form of entertainment revolves around cinderella stories that have these happy endings. how often do we get these poor girl meets rich boy stories, they end up married and poor girl gains the luxuries of the rich finally after spending a quarter of her lifetime in the slums. how often do we hear a sad poor person's life in an abs-cbn noon time show, the drama and hardships, the usual "mahirap lang kami, pero ok lang basta lagi kaming magkasama at magsisikap kami" and then abs-cbn hands them some money and then what?

are we seriously expecting to help the poor, one person at a time? spread our wealth one way or another in order to create a difference? after over a score of publicized generosity, are we getting any closer to changing this country?

when you think about it... aren't we just teaching the poor to believe in miracles? aren't we just allocating our taxes towards people who give the least to our society?

during my stay in up diliman, i've encountered several children who'd beg from people and look pathetic whenever they do...then when the person says no or gives some coins/food (ate ayoko nyan, pera gusto ko)/or bills the kid goes back to his friends and stops being pathetic, and does the whole ghetto lifestyle all over again... (and where are their parents anyway?)... and all i can say about them is their existences are annoying.

civic duty, human rights, they are also human... i know all that, but my heart is truly set on the feeling that they are still annoying and i'd be happier if they all just scrunched up in a corner and died en masse.

equality... can you really blame the poor that they can't or might not even want to strive to change their lives?

...the same way, can you blame me for hating them?

and God truly is a just Lord

ownership

2008-05-03T21:03:00.002+08:00

who really owns your life? is it yours to do with what you wish? or do you have to play it by a certain script?

right now, i feel like i'm part of another chess game, as i have just recently decided not to go back to diliman for the same reasons i came there the first time. it's annoying, really, finding this little pang of sadness whenever i think that i won't be there when they expect me... a little more sadness to think that i will most probably not be back in my so promised 6 (now down to 5, actually) months. that i didn't say i will be there for the little event for the simple reason that i won't be.

goodbye was meant to be so much simpler than what I have to do... they just didn't want to take this seriously...

5 years in diliman, and i still have this piece of fishbone in my throat that said i didn't spend it the way i wanted it. it was supposed to be freedom, but i still played by the rules i've always followed my entire life... and now look at me, the avatar of pure regret. wishing he could take back those 5 years and build it up differently.

but life is the way it is, and what's done can never be undone. and that's just the way it is.

reader, own your life

Strange Personality Quizzes You'd Rather Never Take in Your Life Unless Your Fckn' Hell as Bored as I am Waiting for a Download to Finish

2008-02-24T18:28:00.003+08:00

(The Last 7 are actually kinda fun)

Your Depression Level: 92%

You seem to be severely depressed.

You should seek immediate attention from your physician.

Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

You Are 36% Emo

You're definitely not emo, but you do understand emo people a little. You are introspective, but not to the point of driving yourself crazy.

Are You Emo?

You Are 40% Nerdy

You're a little nerdy, but no one would ever call you a nerd.

You sometimes get into nerdy things, but only after they've become a part of mainstream culture.

How Nerdy Are You?

Your Gluttony Quotient: 56%

You definitely have your gluttonous moments. For you, eating is a true hobby.

And while you do spend a lot on food, you can always make it back winning eating contests.

How Much Gluttony Do You Have?

Your Greed Quotient: 62%

You're definitely a greedy person, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep what's yours.

You are a bit spoiled and demanding at times - make sure to give a little back to those who are generous with you!

How Much Greed Do You Have?

Your Sloth Quotient: 70%

You're a pretty lazy person, and you relish in your own sloth.

While being lazy does feel good, you're missing out on the really good parts of life that take a little work.

How Much Sloth Do You Have?

Your Wrath Quotient: 52%

Ouch! You've got a bit of a temper going on there, don't you?

Just make sure to keep your revenge fantasies just that... fantasies only!

How Much Wrath Do You Have?

Your Lust Quotient: 34%

You are a fairly lustful person, but nothing out of the norm.

You usually keep your lust under control, but sometimes it gets the better of you.

How Much Lust Do You Have?

Your Envy Quotient: 44%

You are an envious person, but only at times.

Perhaps certain situations trigger your envy. Or maybe you're especially jealous when you're feeling insecure.

Instead of letting that green monster out, work on making your own life better.

And then maybe people will be envious of you.

How Much Envy Do You Have?

Your Pride Quotient: 48%

You have your proud moments, but you're also likely to be a little ashamed of them.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's normal to want to make a stellar impression.

How Much Pride Do You Have?

Not of Great Improtance...

2008-02-24T18:25:00.001+08:00

...life is...

2 weeks remaining. =)

Dejavu

2008-01-24T15:52:00.000+08:00

Home is something I gave up on 5 years ago...when I decided to go to UP for all the right justifications but all the wrong motives...but as the law goes, motives do not affect the validity of contracts...

Back then, it was either to stay where I was comfortable, where everything was provided, where my future was closer to certain vs. go where life is uncomfortable, everything has to be sought for and nothing is certain... My justice was that I'd find a better future there, but reality pointed into simply not letting "you" go in the unknown world alone... Eventually, though, we'd forget each other and I'd realize that it was all a mistake... but wasn't it this same mistake that led me to my new life in a place where I actually found people I might consider my "friends" in contrast to the life I had, where I was alone... I was cynical... I was trivial...

And here I am again, trapped in the same dilemma, in a different point of view... Stay where everything loses its certainty whereas return to the old life...where everything is where I want them to be... return to my shell, where I could rest peacefully...finally....

I may say that I want to stay for the sake of a better chance in the workplace... to be with friends... to be with a better hope... but I'd be telling you justifications...

My true motive still remains... an escape... and a question I keep asking myself is... "will I make the same mistake all over again?"

Escape vs. Escape... Why would I seek something when it can no longer be sought for? Why not be sad in a place where I can never be happy than sad in a place where there is a hope to be?

I am here now in a world where the people I hope to be with are people who have never really understood how important they are to me... and now I have a chance to escape, and I doubt I'd take it... for reasons beyond me

And my download is finally done. =)

In Dire Need of a Lucid Moment

2007-12-24T10:30:00.000+08:00

The post below is supposed to be a 3 paragaph post on a few events that has been since my last post some 3-4 months ago.... it didn't really post well, but i won't delete it, it will forever remind me of blogger's inefficiency on that day, plus they might fix it in the future anyway...

Last night I found myself thinking of someone... (shit this is gonna be a love-related post)... Being a philandering idiot like me has its perks. For one thing, you get to spread the love you have to give to one person to several persons. It allows an exit-hole for all the love you hold and holds little risk in terms of actually falling for someone or having a heartache when one or more of the people you're flirting with gets a permanent or quasi-permanent relationship. But then, sometimes things can go a little wrong... like when you realize among the people you are flirting with, someone starts to stand out.

The last time I checked about my emotions was December 19, 2007. It involved 3 shots of tequila, 2 glasses of rhum-coke, and some brandy (I think..don't remember anymore). My subconscious becomes my conscious during my more lucid moments and I realize stuff I can't normally realize even after a full pondering session with the think tank. It told me that I still cared for a person who, figuratively speaking, doesn't exist anymore. Sure, if I asked around a bit and took some effort, I'd probably find her physical existence, but she isn't the same person anyway, so why bother... but anyway her aside... she is only a mere memory now anyway, (got that from my lucid moment as well)

Back to the one who sands out... it's not that I don't want to have a relationship, it's just that I can't afford one, given my current financial instability and my position in my organization. There is simply too much at risk again. Now for the first time since the last time someone held a monopoly on my heart, I find myself in need to kill something before it gets deeper into my head... Damn you christmas

To whom it [still] concerns

2007-12-23T10:22:00.000+08:00

Time

2007-08-19T16:19:00.000+08:00

It's this small thing that everyone seems to not notice...everyone has around a hundred years worth, but some people lose them through their own fault or through the faults of others, or even through God's own doing... I suddenly find time now... as I wait for my downloads to finish in a computer shop in SC... and I wonder what my past few months have been about.

Seriously... is it really worth thinking about.. the few moments that seem to come and go, the limited time we have. It's just too much for one person to worry about, the way I see it. Do we really not have enough of it? Or are we just spending it too much on things we don't appreciate that we forget to use it right? Or maybe we ARE using it right, and we find this material attachment to the world and think that we need more of it.

Feasib deadlines are coming up soon, and I have a hell lot to do in the days to come but nothing to do now. The storms of the last few days gave me a bad flu, but it did give me a break as well. And now that I'm well enough to actually not wear a jacket outdoors, I still have nothing to do because of the damn Holidays and the storms wake. Am I supposed to be happy about this? Maybe my daft concept of responsibility is starting to kick in.. or maybe I'm just worried about my future self having too much to do.

Today, a friend of a friend just lost the rest of his time, on earth at the very least. It's kinda giving me an indirect depression. I cannot be directly depressed by the loss of someone I've never met in my life...but the thought of the sad friend is kinda depressing. Fortunately for me, my emotional limiter is still in, so I can only reach a very shallow level of sadness. Yet still, a part of me wants to be more human, actually... It's kinda sad, how you are incapable of true sadness. If my friend died, can I actually, sincerely be sad?

Today, after messing up my feasib for the nth time and having my organization get in the way for the nth time squared, I got a comment from old pedro. "Ang complicated naman ng life mo." And might I just say that after experiencing some things that a normal person would never have to experience in a lifetime and experiencing the weirdness of coincidences a bit too often, I'd say that I'd have to disagree. My life being complicated is like saying reindeer really exist.

Further Down the Results of Boredom and Dad in Double Echo

2007-05-14T16:38:00.000+08:00

1. My OJT

It was a simple thought when it bugan...it didn't need to be something with a large allowance it just has to be something to do while not doing JPIA related activities during the summer. I mean, the chances of my parents allowing me to stay in Diliman just to be a VP and be passive the rest of the time was as slim as an earthworm in a diet. So Abbott was perfect! It had less commitment needed than any other OJT program I have heard of and they didn't require an award-winning, cumm laude student to serve them.

My priorities did get messed up though. I didn't attend JPIA activities unless it was on a weekend or on a holiday and if I really have to do it (which so far occured nil times so far). But hey, my co-EOs aren't complaining since everybody else seems to be in the same boat. But I managed a small resolve to be there and file an absence from my work whenever necessary.

And what was my work again? My label is simple enough: Finance OJT a.k.a. Finance Assistant a.k.a. Someone who does things in Finance that the employees do not want to do themselves or also Someone who does all possible unconsequential things in the Finance Dept. The first few days were promising. I had a relatively goodlooking boss (as compared to). I had a few jobs that actually made me feel important, and I had enough rest time. Then as times pass by, I seem to be getting more rest time and less consequential jobs. (Sure, I always wanted to stamp receipts "PAID" so I'm not complaining too much). Times passes further and my co-worker Mark Banawa (JPIA VP for InfoPub) and I started sharing jobs, taking turns with the "PAID" stamp. It really is quite entertaining whenever you hear all of your five (now six) bosses say "Wala pa akong mapagawa sayo". And it is further entertaining to think that you can spend so much time trying to fight sleepiness as you stare on the quasi-random design on the cubicle walls trying to find out where the Machine Printed pattern starts and ends.

Here is a funny thought: Had I not a job, I'd be bored as hell. With the Abbott OJT, I'm still bored as hell, but I get paid doing it (plus I get to spend my boredom in airconditioning). :)

2. My Aunts (My dad again and once more)

My father side aunties are here to visit and have been here for a while now. It was funny how my mom described them as "Ed times 2" and as far as I can tell, they are exactly that. I feel like my dad got cloned and stuff. It's funny though, my dad's aura is so much more docile now that his older sisters are in the house.

I was never a fan of children and old people... hell, I hate spending time with them. If there are anyone I want to be with at a particular time, it would always be my immediate family or my close friends and them only... As far as I'm concerned, most others are just lives I do not want to interact with. And yes...my aunts are no exception.

It's funny, the cousins who used to be here were hardly reactive... and now I have this ultra-proactive aunties who starts asking me to drink ginger extract in hot water to get rid of my colds. My aunts seem to be trying to control me via brainwashing...they seem to repeat what they here and themselves a lot. I mean, when I sneeze, they (both) say "uminom ka ng lu-ya yung ginger (pronounced ginge instead of jinjer) sa tubig na bukal". Then I say "opo, mamaya konte". Then after 3 secs, they say it again. Then I ask my mom to make it (since I have no idea how to use a knife to cut ginger to small enough slices for it). Then they say it again. So I try some. Then they say it again. And before I can react, they say it again. Later, after drinking it all up, they still say it again... And 5 secs later they say it again... I know they're just trying to be concerned and trying to make sure I understood their poor Tagalog mixed with Bisaya (it's strange how people from Zamboanga speak Bisaya and they still call it Bisaya), but really, my mind cannot take much more of this. Please, once is enough... anyway, it's still a good experience.

Detachment

2007-05-13T09:33:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Baguio... and will be leaving faster than coming... but hey, it's home and it feels good to be back (I still get my colds back whenever I return, but it's worth the comfort of home). For now, I feel reconnected to my family and electronic social life thanks to the internet connection of home, but somehow disconnected from everything else... somehow VP of JPIA becomes distant, Abbott worker becomes distant... and it feels strange how I easily I detach from everything in the past and reattach to another reality in such a collous manner... maybe it's a good thing that I never have a permanent attachment on anything even if I have experienced such experiences which I still consider "special".

Oh well, hi to everyone!

blog things

2007-03-24T19:16:00.000+08:00

blog hopping to avoid reviewing. i found the following by clicking zel's blog (hi zel)

Your Birthdate: May 28

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.
You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!
You are very prone to love - hate relationships.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 6

You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere.
You're the type of person who goes along to get along.
And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat.

Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart.
You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it.
Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

they are almost believable, right? :)

then i looked for a few others

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISTP)

Your personality type is reserved, methodical, spirited, and intense.

Only about 6% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 8% of all men
You are Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Your Life Is Worth...

$912,500

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

Your EQ is 93

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 32%

It's not likely you'll become a multimillionaire, though could happen.
You sometimes save money and work hard - but you don't like to do it!

Will You Be a Multimillionaire?

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).

Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.

Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

point proved

2007-03-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

Due to the elections, I forced myself to keep most of my angst within me. Now that I have lost, I really don't have a reason to keep any of my this fucking feeling inside my goddamned chest. Fuck you world. Thus this dedication to my so-called "friends"

to all those who i listened to but never listened back

to all those who i gave my life to but never appreciated it

to all those who i helped and never even gave me a simple thank you

to everyone who has abandoned me

to everyone who has rejected me

to everyone who only drove me to depression

to everyone who hurt me

to everyone who insulted me

to everyone who has forsaken me

to everyone who never showed me any respect

to everyone who gave me hope just to kill my heart in the end

to those who i called friends but left me when i needed them the most

to my friends in need only when they needed me

to those who had the said they understood me when they never did

to those who told me i misunderstood the world when i was just being real

to everyone who gave me words of wisdom when i proved myself to be the wiser

to those i loved with all my being but left me hanging in belief just so i can hurt more in wait and hurt the same in rejection

to everyone

may you all burn in hell. My only regret would be my own inability to take you there myself

Some of the worse decisions in life...

2007-03-11T02:10:00.000+08:00

A while ago. I watched a Filipino "feel-good" romantic movie with Anisah, Rich, Aira, and *strangely enough* Pete and RJ Panoy. We watched You Got Me, a Sam Milby film... Maybe it was because I wanted a small respite from my over-criticalness that I decided to watch something is intellectually degrading as a Sam Milby film, or maybe it was because I wanted to be nice to Anisah who has been inviting us to watch the movie for the past week extended... What the hell, it was half-subsidized anyway... Unfortunately, the movie was far from a moment's reprieve from the thinker within me... Filipino movies are just so questionable. Here are some points.

1. At the beginning of the movie, the father of the lead actress had several ominous points that pointed out that he didn't have much more to live, so in less than 20 mins, I figured out that he HAD to die to make the story work. Guess what? He did... and the audience was "shocked" by it...

2. Coconuts are supposed to be the fruit of life, right? So WHY THE F*CK DID IT HAD TO KILL THE FATHER!? I mean, dude! A police officer is lecturing a guy about seizing the day and he dies when he gets hit on the head by a coconut WHILE URINATING???? Of all the messed up ideas, THIS WAS THE SH*T!?

3. Like all movies of the genre (shallow Filipino), there will always be a combination of love, comedy, and action. This one took the popular plot of third party romances and gunfights. For an added twist, the film included some martial arts similar to the DOA movie... It *would* make sense that a police officer would know some kung fu, but I think it was a little to extreme to make a female watcher in a cybersex cafe have the same skills... or maybe it's just me.

4. Like most Filipino movies, there is little regard for enemy lives. Police Officers aren't supposed to shoot to kill, most especially if they're just having a raid (moreover on a cybersex cafe). And I don't think our PNP is capable of the bugging they perform during their operations. As far as I'm concerned, our PNP is just bash - through - front - door - declare - RAID - and - bring - actor - slash - politician types.

5. Of course the usual main male ends up with a relationship with main female occurs, enough clues was given through the process... predictable, very... Oh, and as usual, the best way to get rid of a winning third party is simple elimination. (at least they didn't kill him)

...I won't bother with the cheesy lines or the acts of romance... they aren't even worth my keystrokes...

the broken god

2007-03-06T20:48:00.000+08:00

Today was yet another failed attempt to become more than human... I am but human is too much for me... I hated this humanity... this limit... this curse. The world I have been born into was too undemanding that I've become a slob of a human. And now, I am in this world... this messed up world where everyone is blinded and demands that I be something that I always wanted to become but could never be... complete... perfect...

When I gaze upon people, I feel that they look at me as something pathetic, a failure of a human, a failure of a life form, the excrement of excrements, a simple waste. I always find myself trying to prove humanity wrong by exceeding their expectations, becoming perfect, becoming omnipotent. But same as any who dare take God's throne, I fail.... and in an attempt to reach far beyond the par, I end up miles before it, and I realize I have even failed to be half as competent as I should be... but have I not tried hard enough, have I not given so much that I could at least know that I did my best? No... I want to be the best, what I have done must be the best and anything below par is just another waste, just another proof of my incapacity.

I am a failure... and no matter how I try, no matter what my reason... I can only be a failure. Because I am human, and those other humans can't even look at me as a human. I am nobody, bu a shadow of an existence... but a shred of broken pride... but a smear made by one who wanted perfection...

If I cannot be the cause of the world's smile, I can at least make sure I do not make it cry... If I cannot be loved, I should make sure there is nothing to regret... If hatred upon me can make satisfy the world, then let me be hated... If the world doesn't want my existence, the least I can do is try to be forgotten... for I make the impossible, possible... for I can carry the world upon my back... for I am immortal... but I am tired

exhume me from my grave

2007-03-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

open house ended a while ago (or i think it did), people are still noisy outside. apparently the quasi-gay federation of WW1 decided to drag the videoke machine inside the corridor...and now after 5 days of 3 hr sleeps, i'd have to go a bit longer... this sucks...having to be a week of insomnia and constipation is making me feel sick...

met with dawn and marlon for the first time since a while, they were the coolest roommates... not only were they entertainingly quirky, they were usually not in the room and were quite liquid, so i used to get a lot of freebies from them... now wasn't any different. dawn and marlon decided to have a pull up match with food as bet. marlon won and dawn gave us a 100 peso bill to buy food with, but they ended up leaving the bill with me, unspent. happiness comes in these little unexpected cash recoveries...

i have been campaigning for a week now for office in jpia... i learned that i hated campaigning...but it was a bridge to be crossed if i wanted a chance to win... i hated the idea of using sweet words and promises to entice people to tick your name over abstain... i hated passing around stickers with my name printed on it... but i wanted the position, and i am willing to give a lot more than a little effort to do it. i have plans for my last year in the organization, and i want to be the one to make them happen.

stress levels have been amazingly high recently... my night attacks of strange uncomfortable feelings has returned. the worse part is, i can't tell anyone close to me about it since my stress is campaign based. so to relieve some of it, i type my worries to this blog...

i am afraid of the thought of losing to abstain... even if several people tell me i have a sure chance of winning, i cannot ignore the fact that some jpians don't like me (i am not actually the most congenial person in upjpia)... i am also getting some second thoughts about my decision... can i really pull off a year of servitude and dedication when i can hardly convince myself that i need to go to tomorrow's satskul graduation...the worst part about this stress is the facade... you need to pretend to be alright, strong even... meaning i cannot talk about my stresses to any jpian...

*sigh* lost my mood to type any further

consequentiality

2007-02-18T04:17:00.000+08:00

i decided to try a cigarette despite the fact that I was near stressless a while ago, my excuse was to stay awake so i can study, my reason was because i had cigarettes and wanted to try smoking some. so i did, and now my head feels weird and my chest is tighter than it should be (but at least my mind is clear).... my roommate who was impossible to wake up with alarms and kicks woke up because of the smell of smoke... i have no idea whether i should be sorry that i polluted his air and got him pissed or be happy that i got him pissed since i simply hate his presence, but i pretended to be sorry anyway. a while later the room's mirror broke while i was passing beside it... was it because God didn't like the idea of me smoking (read as me, smoking not me smoking as in my smoking), or because i hit it while i was passing (i didn't feel myself hitting it though) or my former roommate (the original owner) had an accident (knocking on wood).

regardless, after little thought about it, i do not want to smoke another cigarette in my life, and that comes from an objective and experienced view. smoking simply makes me feel weird in a bad and uncomfortable way (i mean physically uncomfortable, not guilt-stricken uncomfortable)... give a hoot, don't pollute. :)

broken faith

2007-02-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

The daily slap on the face reality gives me is really starting to sting my heart...how my face got connected to heart is beyond my knowledge... No, seriously... I am really starting to hate this reality... being the least in a class of elites is something I never wanted to be... Somehow, just being the least of anything is very annoying for me and my construed pride... Knowing that you are somewhere beyond your tier, how you just lucky over and over again, how several others just tripped and gave up on their way to the same place that you are in, how you strove so hard just to be beaten up more... This is not the world I wanted, No... I do not want to be the only line of fiver in a room of niners. And right now, I am tired of threading any further, just tired of being pitied by those who are also pitiable... acknowledged as the least... unexpected to surpass... as purposeful as the maintenance crew who spend their times smoking in the fifth floor... and no one truly understands that I hate being useful in ways I do not want to... I did not pass 114 twice just so I can fix a f*cking LCD projector!

I am zero, and it's been hurting so much to be him that it becomes uncomfortable to be happy.

Thank God for bananas! (of all the fruits, why does this have to be the happiness inducing one? It gives way too many unwanted connotations, but it does lighten up the mood... Maybe I should have a banana split... mmm, chocolate, ice cream, and bananas in one...)

destiny

2007-02-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

a while ago, i went to coop to buy some food, at the counter the people before me bought some cigarettes... i thought it was destiny's call for me to buy my own pack since i had a craving for some smoke since i messed up last night (yup, de-stressing is something i'm worth risking my life despite my affinity to lung diseases)..i decided to ignore the devil's sweet words, all i need is an apple to bring back the vitamins to my mind...

a while later, as i grabbed for the noodles in my bag of groceries, i felt a box...a box of marlboro lights... and as i stared at the 2x5x1 box, i thought what any person who was hungry would ask... did i pay for this?

noodles (no cook) roughly 21
noodles (regular) roughly 5
chips roughly 22
cheap chips roughly 12
canned milkfish roughly 25

rough total 80something
got change for a 100
unless the box was less than 10 pesos, i must have gotten it for free...

heh, life...

appreciation

2007-01-31T20:18:00.000+08:00

Today started annoying as I woke up late, still lacked sleep rushed to BA, skipping breakfast by the way, only to find my groupmates either unwilling to do the thing we are supposed to do or even later than I was... In a pragmatic view, I don't really need to do anything since I'd have the least feedback damage in terms of grades (it would just be another 3) as opposed to my oblation scholar class groupmates. Seriously, I was almost certain that we'd be a power group since they were a group composed of the best, then I realize that I've been shouldering too much of the work... How can someone have a headache or a fever whenever we have a meeting in the morning when they are so annoyingly active during our 8:30 law class... Maybe I'd be better off having Melvin as a groupmate again...

On the other hand, my loyalty to Lola Lita's canteen earned me some extra meat and a banana free of charge. It was extremely funny how I felt so happy receiving the freebies from the canteen. Finally, a little appreciation. I have come to a conclusion that I AM UNDERAPPRECIATED insuchaway that the little things feel like big things right now... Maybe I should just be selfish, I've exhausted too much from being nice

conspiracies of universality

2007-01-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

Today's general feeling....annoyed...for no apparent reason...probably something subconscious...damn you Freud! It was interesting, though, how everyone drives me out of annoyance whenever I am and drives me into whenever I'm not... *sigh* It must be a conspiracy of this damned world to keep me confused...keep me uncertain...otherwise I might acquire enough confidence to build a new world or destroy this one... Vincent must be contained...

I also heard a song with some disturbing lyrics...I think it's saying "Vincent will die" or maybe it's just my imagination... Oh well...

A girl disturbed me today after saying "I love you" and "Vincent, my love" and "Ang nice mo kasi" a bit too often... I appreciate the little joke since it makes me feel needed (which after a lot of careful self-reflection is my goal in life, to prove that I am needed) but I guess I really am not into being into lovelove relationships right now... Funny, I am nice with the intention of making people like me, but when they do start liking me, I feel awkward and no longer know how to react.

Also, my realization of the inevitability of fates (a product of staring into nothingness for an extended period of time (yes, chances are, you'd think of something useful and remember it when you stare into nothingness's void a bit too often) has made me the ultimate universal antagonist who can side with anyone but would usually side for the other party, making me a cause of more than a few arguments involving stuff related to "not his fault"... It's a funny thing, Forces acting on masses produce acceleration, Accelerating masses yield Forces, Masses are altered when a force acts on it's acceleration (I think)... and with these three (two if I don't count the last one) I came with the conclusion that the world involves no blame on anyone, and worse, no choices... we act based on who we are, what we experienced, and what we are experiencing. And the causes of the causes are yet the same chain, and tracing it upward we come into a stop only when you reach the point that God made light before anything else (in theory)...and tracing it down, we end up finding out that we are experiencing and will experience events based on the series of causalities that everyone else went through... We just go through a series of binary decisions based on thresholds that states that if x is greater than y perform 1, otherwise perform 0. And yet after all that we are still fooled to think that "I made a wrong decision" when in reality, it wasn't you who decided anything. *diabolic laughter* such conceited foolishness...

So who are we supposed to blame? Are we supposed to get mad at anyone? Really, when you think about it, you can't even blame God for anything that you experience... If you would remember, you are but an insignificant speck in the infinite see of masses... in reality, you aren't even a pixel in a 1024x768 screen. You aren't worth God's time to make miserable, and when the going gets too tough for humanity, God does intervene (I think).

Summing things up, realize that you are helpless and insignificant. If you die, only the organisms within your system would grieve, and those who grieve would eventually die, then you'd be forgotten. Then you start thinking that you'd leave your mark and be remembered, but if you did leave your mark, you'd only be remembered for at most another millennium, but what are millennia compared to the endlessness of infinity, in time, space, reality, we aren't even fractions... and ultimately, you are too insignificant to blame anyone...too insignificant to be cared for...too insignificant to even blame yourself for anything.

Then we smile. :) Theories aren't worth pondering about anyway.

LIFE IS NOT WORTH TAKING SERIOUSLY

post #100

2006-12-18T22:36:00.000+08:00

based on the post count you see when you converted to blogger beta, this is my 100th post (plus or minus error from deleting a few posts probable, but who cares)

am back at home, and my compensated older brother has become a big spender given the fact that he has a higher take home salary than my mom and spends near nothing for life necessities. So most of his income goes into various clothes, gadgets, and whatnots...at least i got a dvd-writer out of it. he has become so much easier to get along with ever since he finished school.

today i mark "lait aere" (i'd use the correct characters but the i couldn't find that e used in pokemon in the character map...but i did find this ۞... if it prints in the write font, you should see something that should be less probable in a character map) as my favorite chocolate flavor. and my failure with adjectives prevents me from imparting upon you the feelings i have for it (as usual)

also today, my family had a discussion on my sister's quasi-boyfriend, which then turned to TFI, career plans, and eventually their preference for my future wife. My mom wants someone Chinese (...and for some reason I'm feeling relieved...that shouldn't be too hard since majority of the earthen human population IS chinese...or Indian...or Filipino). My dad wants someone rich (which cuts me down to the upper 10% of the world population). I want someone smart so i wouldn't need to answer my kids' homework for them, (which cuts me down even further since majority of the human race is, in the nicest words i dare say, stupid)... OK, google search my life for someone like that and i have 1 result... scrap the smart girl, she just has to be rich and chinese... smart, rich, chinese girls are bound to be evil and manipulative of their husbands anyway.

Merry Christmas, last post of the year!

unplanning

2006-12-10T01:38:00.000+08:00

recently, i've been stuck with the feeling that i'm spending my resources in things that would not result in anything good anytime in the future... like i'm just living the present presented upon me rather than molding it into a future i want to live... have i given up on all hope for a happy future? how long can it possibly be anyway? i'm a person destined to live a short life... and is that a reason enough to waste it? is that reason enough to live it to the fullest? would i care? would i be happier if i made something about my life? would it hurt to give a little more effort to actually accomplish something? is it just me or is it harder to read a paragraph if you don't capitalize the right letter? is it that hard to push the shift key to begin my sentences?

anyway... on another point of view, i may not be enjoying my present because i am giving too much attention to the future. the fact that i need a certain amount of passion, commitment and frequent coincidence to enjoy something means that i can't enjoy anything because most of the things that occur in my life lacks one or more of the preceding... things may hit hard...but they don't leave enough of a mark to be called "strong".

moreover...even people seem to be becoming of an even more shallow value than they used to have... there used to be people i can actually like or even actually care for. but recently they seem to be loosing value... as though they don't mean anything anymore, as though their purposes for me have expired and their existences are getting annoying. to add to that, even more people-who-i-simply-hate-naturally-and-would-i-would-be-happy-if-i-won't-see-them-again type people are appearing in front of me. generally speaking, i am containing more annoyed feelings more often than i ever used to.

*sigh* i think i'm starting to understand how villains are born and how they feel. is it really my fault that i'm this annoyed? did i have a choice?

i guess someone has to play the role of the silent antagonist anyway... look out world! i'm gonna start my plan of mass destruction as soon as i graduate!

my sanctuary

2006-11-18T02:17:00.000+08:00

The room... it used to have 2 seniors, 1 sophie, and another questionably ranked person who was hardly there. He learned to like the cold(er than usual) room...the dim lighting, the messy tables, the rat-infested closets... it wasn't the best room... but it was his room, and he learned to like it.

The best thing about the room was always the solitude in the weekends. He was never a socialite and enjoyed being alone ever so often. People misunderstood him, saying that he was missing out a lot by being alone...but he wanted to be alone... It was his vice, the same way a smoker wanted his cigarette, the drinker his wine...he was a loner, and he wanted and cherished his loneliness.

His room was marked by its loneliness, the room of 4 was usually just occupied by 2. And during weekends, his only other roommate would go home and he'd be alone... Alone, free to use the room however he chose to.

But his loneliness couldn't be kept forever, soon his roommates would be replaced, and the blank beds would then always be occupied. He got used to the first of the new roommates, for although he didn't go home during weekends, he was an early sleeper and loner found his solitude during the evenings, and in those evenings free to be alone (at least in mind).

However came to other roommate, the former floormate. He wasn't a bad roommate in the views of most, but the loner thought in a different way from others... The roommate (before he became one) was OK, simple quiet person who didn't talk too much... But then, he started lingering in the room at times when the loner wanted to be alone, and he lingered longer that the loner's threshold was reached more than once. He was a loner, and naturally disliked those who tried to get too close and take away his loneliness... The roommate, for him, was annoying... The square jaw that made his face look like an inverted, elongated pentagon; the smile he would always flash when they pass each other; the soft, bed-room voice that was not afraid to sing a toneless song; the pull he has on people; the "what have I ever done to you" act; the persistence; the "sacrifice"; the mere existence of something that tried to break his loneliness.

Despite his strong "hints" to prevent the floormate from becoming a roommate, the worst still came to be and he couldn't do anything about it but give more hints.

And now the loner, faced with so much frustration as he fails to put into words the exasperating feeling of thinking about the roommate, sitting 3 chairs away watching a movie, killing what is supposed to be the loner's alone time.

"Is loneliness that much to ask? He was only one room away, why did he have to move? Why did he have to stay?"

A Hibiscus is not a Rose

2006-11-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

If there is something life is trying to etch into my mind right now, it's the fact that specific objects cannot represent one another adequately to create a replacement...or simply...one thing cannot replace another. The fact that these things cannot replace the other is probably the reason one gets stuck in discontinuity...or rather, the fact that one forces to accept something to replace another is the reason one gets stuck in this discontinuity.

Reality is always something that moves towards an end to support new beginnings, the same way beginnings occur in order to create an ending... Further, reality isn't something that keeps a constant lose an apple get a new one cycle... Eventually, you'll need to pick up an orange. Even further, if you pick up one apple, it would always be different from the last apple you got. It's like law, things are determinate, and if you want a specific apple which is not available, you'll need to move on with life and just go and starve or pick up whatever is in sale. But what if you aren't after the apple because it is an apple...what if you wanted THAT apple because of the fact that it was the sweetest among any other apples... that is when you realize that you are privileging yourself to rights that you were never entitled to have.

Nothing else can replace what has already been lost, and the biggest mistake one can make is to force something to replace another... Is replacement a method of moving on? Or is it something that just blinds you from seeing the real picture you need to face? If you think that a hibiscus would replace a rose, your just fooling yourself...but if you find that a hibiscus is something that WILL give you as much utility as the rose, then you should be OK.

End thought, REALITY doesn't wait, but you don't need to chase it.

home

2006-10-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

have been in Baguio for the past 3 days now. not much have changed. theres an extra bird in an extra cage, several korean dvd's, a few pc upgrades, a new microwave, a now 11 - yr old sister who is taller than richshyll, etc... but other tahn those, it's still the same home i left 5 months ago.

oh right, i'm abusing the broadband internet access my family got earlier last semester. it's not as fast as Yakal's during weekends, but it is faster than Yakal's weekday connection and it is 24hrs.

came home late because of planning sem in kuhala resort somewhere south luzon. it was exhausting, but fun.

managed to pass all my majors (unless my 105 grpmates decided to exclude me from our term paper because i didn't help at all)

other than those...not much anymore. :)

7 minutes to kill

2006-10-21T20:15:00.000+08:00

i am in katipunan, with zel and 7 mins of internet time before the prepaid connection expires, then i think of updating my blog.

bakasyon na finally! I managed to turn my accounting around and get a 2.25 out of it on the 4th and final exam. I got a 79%! not bad for something that was 69% before the 4th exam. my auditing and finance sucks, hope i pass them. to note, this is the first sem i end without having to worry about failing accounting since 114.1

5 mins left

a bunch of online players of some mmorpg are beside me. they kinda weird

will go to Jpia's planning sem for the 1st time. (and thus i'll be staying over at zel's)

just remembered that I overbooked and also got a place at manu's...sorry manu

3 mins...

or i think...it blinked last 5 mins, and is displaying a timer stuck at 58 secs...

just thought of something to do...ending this post

of broken fans, hopeless romance, lost accounts, economics, the sem that is about to pass and the sem that has yet to come

2006-10-08T20:54:00.000+08:00

broken fan, simply put, my fan died. reason of death, unknown. his memory shall not be forgotten on all the warm nights ahead until the 21st... cheers to you.

hopeless romance...if i have not said it before, i think the guy from room 125 is actually courting me with brownies and chocolates. (weee, free sweets, no commitments necessary). for me who has no conscience whatsoever, i just have to eat what he gives and show complete disinterest in him for a while and things should go well. (why can't i make a girl fall in love with me for a change). For some, they will think "nagfifeeling na naman yung isa dyan." but after getting a total of 3 boxes of brownies, 1 cadburry bar, 1 chocolate bar of an unknown brand, and uncountable chocolate kisses, i think i have gained the right to be "feeling"

lost accounts...my neopets account was deactivated due to log-on scam. someone stole my account and took all my stuff and the neopets staff decided to freeze my account and refuses to give it back to me. oh well, one less problem to deal with.

economics: comparative advantage:
Joseph: "May 20 ka jan? wala akong barya."
Vincent: "Buti ka pa ang ganda ng problema mo, ako naman walang pera. Alam ko na, palitan na lang tayo, sayo na yung 20 ko akin na lang 500 mo. Magkakabarya ka na, magkakapera pa ako.

economics: assumptions:
A chemist, a physicist and an economists were stuck in a desert and needed to open a can of food.
Chemist: let's start a fire, the heat would expand the air inside and force the can open
Physicist: let's drop the can from a tree, the impact from the fall would crack the can open
Economics: Let's assume that there is a can opener, then we can open the can

the sem that should almost be over:
checked the academic calendar. The sem should end on Oct 13, but mine ends at 21... must be because of all the missed classes. I still have work for all my classes except PE... *sigh*

the sem that has yet to come:
all majors, one elective (hopefully). the annoying part is my *ahem* floormate wants to be roommates. i don't mind the freebies he gives in the process of trying to be closer friends, but being roommates is too much for me... i really have no intention of living in a room with him who looks behind my back at much about everything i do, be it something PC or something ACAD. I would rather have that cat or tarsier as a roommate. (maybe i should move to his room)

how much further beyond the results of boredom can I be?

2006-10-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

meet candlewax bob. made him in the span of the last 20 mins using modified candles, candlewax, matches, and my refusal to journalize labor and overhead variances. :)

error 999: unable to process request at this time

2006-09-14T21:05:00.000+08:00

the words we speak become the bases of other people's perceptions about us. We really should be careful what we say and why we say things. People end up getting hurt, confused, misled, disappointed, etc. I really didn't have the authority to lecture her, and I was no better than she was, but I still did anyway. Was I trying to make her realize her mistakes by giving her a dose of her medicine? Or was I just being "superior", turning myself into the ultimate saint who has the power to change things for everyone in a way which I think is better? Was it for her or for me? Is it even worth thinking about. Maybe I just wanted to put something before I placed the nonesense i would put below. :)

Auditing Class, Pete and Raymond after an arguement, I was in the middle.

Ray: Ano ba gusto mo....halik o kiss.
Pete: Sex

*yan ang problema sayo Pete*

of residence, ideas, and my favorite TLA

2006-09-10T01:22:00.000+08:00

The Yakal Residence Hall Association, a wannabe organization where the Yakal residents became members, whether they wanted to or not, upon the brilliance of the Yakal House Council, led by our ever-charismatic and beloved president, Junjie something-family-name-that-begins-with-the-letter-C-I-think, decided to hold a special contest for this semseter's open house. The residents are priviledged to sell three twenty-peso tickets to three people who will have a chance to win a residence in Yakal Residence Hall. Yes, even residence has become part of a gamble, and yes, the House Council has thought of a minimal-cost way of making money for their projects. Cash prize and other consolation prizes are there, but the main price is something that I or any other Yakal resident, can never enjoy any further, so that scratches out my paying the tickets for the remote chance to win to something like my paying for the tickets for absolutely nothing. sweet.

The contest gist is 20 random boys and girls (forgot if that was each or total) gets to be interviewed by the council for their appropriateness to become a resident in Yakal, they then have to oblige to rules, get to do stuff, cut each other down, until only one male and one female remains. These two win a reservation for Yakal residency for the next semester, after signing a contract of all priviledges (and responsibilities) a Yakal resident receives. What happens to the other eighteen? They can probably re-apply the next semester anyway. People entitled to purchase the ticket and join the contest are non-Metro Manila residents (scratch out most of my friends) and people who have never enjoyed a single day of Yakal Residency in their entire lives. It does make sense to restrict the contestants, this way a person living in Manila will never be a Yakal dormer since he lives too close by, there should be three times the number of Yakal residents who would like to be a Yakalite in the future, despite the fact that they already have dorms, boarding houses, or far away homes to go home to anyway. And of course, there is such a big difference to win a contest via a lottery and an interview than to do the typical application for Yakal residency. I mean getting into Yakal the normal way is like winning a lottery!

anyway, WTF...I must really love the Yakal House Council to put so much sense in my previous two paragraphs.

Random thoughts:
- Outstanding actually means "nakatayo pa siya sa labas, kaya hindi pa siya nakakapasok" like in outstanding checks, outstanding deposits, etc.
- You can never divide a pie into three equal pieces unless its area is divisible by three.
- If an imaginary number is not real, why bother thinking about it?
- If a guy sniffs a girl's underwear, he is a pervert. If a girl sniffs a guy's underwear, she is plain sick.
- If the only certain thing about the future is uncertainty, how can you be certain that "the only certain thing about the future is uncertainty" when "the only thing about the future is uncertainty" in not uncertain?
- If I say everything is meaningless, did I mean anything?
- Quotes are funny, the very people who need them the most can't understand them. I think the best quotes do not use smart language because that way even dumb people can understand them.

the post intended to make you load this page faster in a dial-up connection

2006-09-07T21:08:00.001+08:00

Today, I had over 5 hrs of sleep for the first time since Sunday. It's sad to think that the reason for my restless nights aren't my acads, but plain insomia. Apparently my decision to sleep at 4am and wake up at 2pm during weekends broke my biological clock, and the need to wake up earlier than 8am these past couple of days cut my sleep to an average of 2andahalf hrs. And, to whom it may concern, my apparent "you look more down than usual" is probably due to lack of sleep (and food, i've lost of my appetite most of this sem because of my poor(er) exercise and feeding schedules)

*edit*

"OK lang yan, that's life," she says.
"Do you even remember what happened to you a month ago," I think.

JPIA slave number one is completely useless, he skipped 2 of the damn hellweek days. JPIA slave number two is much more entertaining, she lacks motivation, but at least she tries to do most of the wishes i ask her.

My "boss" is too technically incompetent (and he dares to put proficient in Adobe Photoshop and Adobe (Formerly Macromedia) Flash in his resume. POWERPOINT LANG YAN! MAHIYA KA NGA! Tangina sumayaw ka na lang sa BACBACAN at isulat mo yan sa p*t*ng *n*ng resume mo!

And on the time when i need, more than any other time, in my life (even more than my 114) to review, i get a headache, a frustration, and a need to rant.

Tomorrow is S.E.Men Day! Free Lunch! :)

history repeats itself

2006-09-03T03:38:00.000+08:00

it's almost laughable. HAHAHA!

except for the fact that my insensitivity has reached a peak level in such a way that i do not care anymore and the fact that my academics is hell, i'm living a life similar to the life i have been living in my first year of college. :) it's funny, all the little memories that i've forgotten just popped out and the gap in between was filled.

so, what the hell, i just proved myself more right than ever all over again. i almost feel like a true genius...or a psychic. (now if only my grades would show some genius or psychic powers)

well, at least everything is easier the second time around. :)

*sigh* contentment. I'm really starting to like being me.

message not sent this time

2006-08-26T11:40:00.000+08:00

...i never really understood it...did it mean that your message will never be sent or the sending will be done later (when later?) whenever i get it, i cannot decide whether to send the message again or just pretend that it was already sent (and forget about it when it isn't important).. i seem to get it a lot ever since i went globe...should i just go back to smart? where the hell is my sim anyway?

other thoughts:

when you say:
"I-prioritize mo ang 147, pero subukan mong gawin ito"

you probably mean:
"mag-aral ka, kung may free time ka, gawin mo sana siya."

but i think you mean:
"wala akong paki kung may exam ka, basta gawin mo ito!"

we say the words we never mean, walk away with somebody's dream, that's the way we live our lives in someone else's eyes. :)

addicted to:

2006-08-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

if anyone reads this entry, do me a favor and click any of the links posted in the sidebar, it might help me a bit. :)

they are actually webgames. you might actually enjoy them, why not give them a try.

Neopets is a pet training and money-making game where you try to make money which you use to take care or train your pet.

Monstersgame is a text-based vampires vs. werewolves game.

TechWarrior is similar to Monstergame, but you play with mechas instead.

35 rabbit cd-r's

2006-08-06T02:26:00.000+08:00

...today's high point is purchasing 35 cd-r's from the SM Megamall branch of CD-R King. Today's low point is purchasing a cheap webcam that has become utterly useless since DilNet decided to label "webcam" as a "porn_expression" thus disabling any internet traffic that has the contains the string "webcam". now i own a P450 digital camera and video recorder that runs at 400-sumthing pixels and 30 frames per second, which happens to be attached on the top of my monitor.

...on the bright side, now i have a video recorder of some sort in the dormitory, on the other hand, all i can ever take recordings of with it is myself... oh joy!

DilNet, it may be cheaper than the usual broadband internet service...but it's really losing it's perks.

obsolesce

2006-07-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

today, i learned several virtues that one must have in today's society:

1. humility: know your place and if you know you cannot move a hill, don't even try moving a mountain.

2. patience: if you have to wait, you'll simply have to wait. getting stressed out about it will just make your life shorter and make the wait relatively longer.

3. contentment: be happy with what you have, you probably don't deserve anything higher anyway.

4. practicality: simply put, it's not worth it.

5. flexibility: it's nice to be able to find a glimmer of something to be happy about when you know that your life is already too f*ck*d up. and it's even better to comfort yourself with the thought that things can still work out well even if they already haven't.

...and to think that my floormates uber-slow PC taught me all this... (that useless piece of sh*t PC made me feel better by proving that there are so many things that are in much worse shape than I am)...

...reality...as long as someone is lower than you are, falling won't hurt so much. hehe

403

2006-07-22T09:21:00.000+08:00

...in the span of one night's sleep, UP Computer Center expanded it's banned websites list with net humor sites i visit. (damn they work fast)... with the pending price increase on dorm fees and the increasing limit to the sites we can access, i am reallt considering getting rid of this net connection or moving to a condo unit (at least may aircon, pareho lang babayaran ko)...

Kill Some Time

2006-07-21T22:14:00.000+08:00

Apparently, someone found "too much" time in his hands and decided to torture dial-up users. I need a life...

images careof www.damnfunnypictures.com and www.killsometime.com

Opposite Ends

2006-07-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

reality...except for another who got sick and missed the first exam, I have become the lowest ranked student in our class... so this is what it feels to be looking up to everyone...

...the only person who doesn't have an excuse...

...the only one who deserves to fail...

...i deserve this sh*t...

umasa pa naman din ako

my little world (debugged)

2006-06-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

i downloaded this cool program called google earth. it gives you a bird's eye view of the world and get's pix in better detail than a world map. while staring at the japan area, i realized how insignidicant i am to the rest of the world. i am less than one pixel in this world.

anyway here are some screenshots

img 1: yakal residence hall. (i think you can click to zoom) the smallgreen x is my room...roughly

img 2: 059 BGH compound, Baguio City (boxed in). half of the house is 058 BGH compound

img 3: College of Business Administration, UP Diliman

img 4: Baguio City National High School

--- on the lighter side

talked to Berna, Lawrence, and Laurice till 1 am last night. we had a senseless discussion about "Berna and Lau's Challenges in love." "Chickens and Boyfriends." "Overnight Group Working." "JPIA" etc. Masaya rin mawalan ng sense every now and then. =D

...it shouldn't be mine, but i feel better this way...

2006-06-21T21:40:00.000+08:00

...don't misunderstand me... the last thing i want to do with my life is to add more problems into it, it just so happens that listening to your (used in plural sense) problems make me forget my own and realize that my little life is indeed just another little life...

purpose, it's what makes sure i don't stab myself with the cutter i always keep at bedside...meron pang may kelangan sayo, bawal ka pang mag-shortcut... meron pang saysay ang buhay, may bukas pa, may magagawa ka pa naman...

they don't mean to gang up on you, they just do because it's easier to take a side... to support the "victim" by the easiest way possible: make the other the "villain". Yes, it is unfair...but they are human. Yes, the emotions that you have given was rewarded by nothing more than pain... but they are human... People try to bring the sense of "humane" into a just sense...but isn't it more "humane" to be unfair, vengeful, unthrustworthy. You are human after all, born with sin. And humans are born with the capacity of malice, hatred, and deceit...all because they're sense of love has been twisted in a way.

life is easier when you find someone to support you...it may not be fair, it may not be respectful, it may not be right...but it is easier...and the fact that you are human gives you all the reason in the world to become unfair.

simply put, only the naive would find the world FAIR. and only the idiot would keep on smiling after the world has stepped on him/her.

so why are you still smiling? why do you choose to smile even if it already hurts too badly? why do you care for those who did not even consider what you may have felt?

IS IT WORTH IT?

For the record, i'm siding with no one (as i always have). All i can do is give you advise that may or may not even be sound. I want you to talk, don't shut the world out just because you are afraid of what it will say. It doesn't have to be now, but you should still do it. Making mistakes in the past won't give you an excuse to keep making more...so please, even if you know the answer will hurt you, have the courage to listen to it...it shan't be a comfort in the present, but i think it's the only, truly fair way to end it, for both of you... don't make the same mistakes the other has made... emotions are (bluntly said) disposable, and i hope that the pains you feel are also the same.

i really can't force you to heed what i've typed though, so i leave it up to you. it may or may not be the best thing to do, but i hope to see your true smile back someday soon. praying for you.

inside the residence hall, i sat down and blogged

2006-06-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

i began reading paolo coehlo's by the river piedra, i sat down and wept. the first few pages were kinda awkward since i have this strange feeling that i shouldn't be reading anything that has to do with romance for the time being. moreover, the book i'm reading is highlighted, so it's hard to miss the "important lines"

Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments [m dash] but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. ANd one day we will look back with ptide and faith at the journey we have taken.

- Paulo Coehlo, By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

today fate finally took a turn for the better and gave my sister a dormitory. sure, it involved little help from me, but i can still be proud of myself for actually being the right person at the right time to make some difference. (much about every good thing i do in life involves no planning). she will be under close observation, but after she gets in, her staying should not be any of my concern anymore. my deal with my parents was simply to TRY to get her in a dorm. now that i have done something, i should care less, right?

public apology:
i'm sorry for being a jerk. hope to be friends again sometime soon.

reconnected to reality

2006-06-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

broadband internet access, i have missed thee. the usual 8-1 sked is ttill on, but it's better than dial-up.

bente na ako, doble na lang 40 na ako, tapos doble 80. woohoo, matanda na ako!

my new roommate is a would-be JPIAn. He seems kinda nice, sings out of tune a lot, but i've gotten used to it after being exposed to my own voice for 20 years.

a lot of things has happened recently, and they happened right under my nose, but i never noticed them. i guess myu bluntness and insensitivity is at its peak.

tapos na rin ang mini-SAG jobs ko, magsisimula na ang mini-NF and *kung pumayag si lawrence* mini-FP jobs ko. Xempre priority pa rin ang EnR duties ko. (parang may mali)

today, habang on-my-way-to-bribe-dorm-manager, nakita ako ni mam sonia. tawagan ko raw ang isang babaeng nagngangalang erica tabanda, isang unknown person from UP Baguio about a slot in Ilang to accomodate her for her would be stay in UP Diliman...in a strange turn of events, it became a slot for my sister, which for some unknown reason became a priority in my life. Ngayon, sana naman makuha na ng kapatid ko ang slot na yun. (mahirap maglakad ng mga papeles ng biglaan... *sigh* you would have been proud of me) :P

and who was i talking to again?

strange things you find in the internet while listening to urbandub (for the first time)

2006-05-19T02:23:00.000+08:00

although i doubt anyone who reads my blog would appreciate it,

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

404

2006-05-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

today all about being a burden. no matter how much you try to be useful, as long as you're born in the gemini zodiac and your parents gave you initals EVL, you'll end up becoming a curse to all the people you've been trying to be a blessing to. no matter how much you try to lighten loads or make lives more comfortable, you'll end up being the cross they have to carry...the cement wings on their shoulders...the shadow that suddenly gains weight...why is it that the people i don't care about gets the best from me while the people i care for end up having to put up with my worst performance... how can i make people i don't care about feel good about themselves and end up hurting those i hold dear... maybe God enjoys making me hope and making me care for things just to have the joy of turning them into the stakes that pierce my dark, corrupted heart. (simon belmont must die!)

...when you mess up with something once, maybe it's best never to try again...

zoom out

2006-05-15T21:05:00.000+08:00

some strange thoughts while walking a while ago... Jose Rizal wrote several poems and stuff about the love for country, and how it can transcend all the other loves (as he said in Amor Patrio), even greater for a woman's love for her child... and how even the death of someone we love will eventually be forgotten (or at least be reduced to something that isn't of much imporantance). so it got me thinking...is there anything i have right now that is far more important than anything else? something that i can never afford to loose? maybe i don't...

anyway...zoom out is more on significance... we are but units, and the lost of one unit won't affect the body too much as a whole. so what if a grain of sand is washed into the ocean? so what if a single leaf falls off a tree? so what if a sheep is lost from the flock? so what if a person dies? only those directly near what is lost will weep, and eventually they will forget. they'll speak of that was lost in past tense, but then be able to smile again afterwards.

in the end, we are but another

we will be strangers until we die

2006-05-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

the line above is from Bambi's forum signature. i have no idea what it means, but it kinda makes me think...we never really knew each other that well even if we thought we are "friends."

at nauutusan na naman niya ako. partly, i don't want to disappoint... too many people shed tears because of my incompetence, and i am trying to win her favor... partly, i don't think it would be fair for me, my past, and her... the whole thought of my distancing is to be free from relationships for a while... the light hardly even began to flicker, and already i can feel the flame dying out...

naalala ako ng kapatid ko nung naubusan siya ng friends na makakasama...bigla na lang nagtext na sabay kami magdinner. Tinatamad akong lumabas, sinabi ko sa roommate ko na papakilala ko siya sa kapatid ko... siya na lang maging boyfriend niya para siya na lang maging kasama niya sa pafkain... tinawag ba naman akong "kuya" ni roommate... *gago ka rodel* (kaya sumama na lang ako sa kapatid ko para magdinner)

and thoughts finalizing... maybe i should finish (urr..start) my PI 100 exam...

thougts... at least i got good nights (every now and then)

more random thoughts

2006-05-08T20:34:00.000+08:00

JPIA
1. ang externals, malaking outflow ng perang binuo namin sa finance at FP (napunta sa bata ang perang pinaghirapan ko...)

2. swerte ang exte, hindi lang basta-basta "chair" ang chair nila. Sofa!

3. Malapit na ang meeting para sa tie-up project ng exte at e&r... e&r nga pala ako this sem... labo

4. parang may nawawala sa buhay ko ngayong hindi ako napapamura sa pagrush ng mga video. Suffering is an important part of life.

5. Hassle na naman ang commeets...

FOPC
1. Mainit sa FO tambay, di malamig ang C2. Di ko na siya nakikita... parang nasayang ata oras ko kanina.

2. Mahirap magtrabaho ng di mo alam ang trabaho

3. Pahamak sa masarap na tulog, pero ok lang... siguro

Dorm
1. Nagsisimula nang mawala ang mga ipis sa dorm...siguro... (out of sight out of mind)

2. Masaya magpalipad ng mga erplano at pumatay gamit ang missiles.

Financial
1. Nauubusan nanaman ng pera, pero OK lang, malapit na rin matapos at wala naman kelangang pagkagastusan ng walang dahilan... (nalimutan ko ata kunin ang labada ko)

ACADS
1. meron akong acads?

Personal
1. Getting over my random hatred for gay people....quickly being replaced by vain, metrosexual assholes who call themselves weird names like ultraguwapo and superpogi...

2. Nakausap ko na ang crush ni BoiBoi. Nagalit sakin si BoiBoi at natuwa at the same time. May stalker na ngayon si BoiBoi...

Vincent: I change people's lives.

Cy: For the worse

Lawrence: You ruin people's lives.

Vincent: Hehe. At least exciting na buhay mo

BoiBoi: Gago ka, Vincent (sabay ngiti)

there's an angel watching over me

2006-05-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

this morning, while I was [trying to] study for my NAT SCI 1 exam, my summer roommate (the one who is currently being followed by spirits and thus the cause of our room's "special" aura) played a song. At first I thought he was just being an [censored]but when i recognized the lyrics it was the song used for a flash movie that became the beginning of my internet search for flash.

Here is the link to the flash movie. This is probably the exact inverse of the last flash link I posted. :)

today, i figured out that everything was just a misunderstanding. maybe i should stop worrying about things too much...i'm starting to get strange (but almost enjoyable) dreams.

and to the people who thinks I care for them. SMILE. :) Don't loose your head, it's probably the prettiest part of your body.

word for the day: euphemism

the smartest creature in the world

2006-05-02T22:27:00.001+08:00

in my search for a dose of gothic bloody entertainment (it's one of those days that i enjoy watching ANIMATED blood and gore), i found a genius squirrel.

click here for his medium-lengthed flash clip of pure genius (Date Advising).

Parental Advisory: Contains Strong Expletive Language and Suggestive themes. Other clips of the same squirrel contains Blood and Gore and Sexual Themes. The website is recommended for those with moderate to strong stomachs.

Let's all cooperate in giving our children a healthy future.

...laziness....

2006-05-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

...have a report for PI 100 tomorrow... only half done with the realizing process... reality sucks... I guess all the cancelled appointments were in vain. spent most of the 3 day vacation bumming in front of my PC doing bum stuff instead of PI 100 stuff. Oh well, at least this part of life is almost over.

May...I never thought I'd actually hate its coming... Turning 20 soon...and I am already 7 years too late to do things that teenagers usually do... *look back in past life...did I miss something important? nothing worth thinking too much about I guess*

Byke... although I doubt you'd ever see this, thanks. You just made me realize a few good things about myself (although i doubt that that was ever your intention). Even so, people in my direct sphere of influence are forbidden to be more depressed than I am, so cheer up. :) Life is much more fun that way. Ikaw rin, magmumukha ka pang mas matanda kesa sa akin.

Philosophical thought of the day: Sacrifice. *If I tell you I can save the life of the one you love by killing myself, will you ask me to do it?*

(--,) ==> self-portrait using keyboard characters. Labo ng buhay *sigh*

to be important

2006-04-29T15:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think i'm being too nice to people in such a way that it becomes misleading...for some reason, i have this strange desire to be important in their lives... does it matter? when i think about it, i'd rather be insignificant... this way it wouldn't be too hard to exit as soon as the person's purpose for me expires...

when i realize these things, i tend to distant myself from people...i do not have to or even want to matter too much in their lives...it would be too much trouble for both parties (and any third parties related).

regrets...you realize that something is wrong too late...

had too much cherry coke (currently my favorite flavor)...regular coke tastes sour now... this is probably what they mean by too much of a good thing... *sigh* :p

doubts (hate my philosophy? don't read this) & a joke

2006-04-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

this post has been rejected once by a turn of events...is God trying to stop my ideas from spreading? Maybe one believer of my philosophy is too much. Anyway, the 2nd attempt.

As I "studied" for nat sci 1, a few strange thoughts crossed my mind. Admittedly, I have attended quite a few christian fellowship meetings, sometimes to please a friend, sometimes to attempt to save my own soul from being drawn to the darkside. But whenever I go to a fellowship and listen to the testimonials of those who were "saved," to those who chose to dedicate the rest of their lives to God and worship (one way or another), i get this disturbed feeling, like I don't want to listen to what i'm hearing. Is it a feeling of envy or rejection? Are these people making the same mistake that people made that brought the great delay of scientific knowledge? Long ago, people were persecuted by the Church for believing that the earth is round. Science was once believed to be sorcery, and was forbidden to be tried by the Churches. Was the Church afraid of Science? Are they afraid that they will lose their blind followers?

In a way, I see those people who dedicate their lives to God completely, the way those who made their testimonials [claim to] have done are blind. The way I see it, the fellowships are blinded and are blinding other people to follow their lead. Maybe I'm just blinded by the fact that I do not want to do what they want me to...

I'm thinking too much again, live and let live. If those who gave spoke about the happiness of God get to sleep soundly at night, they may truly have found happiness when they were either enlightened or dimmed by the faith they chose. Maybe ignorance truly is bliss...

Joke (from Xavier Cruz, Yakal Resident)
Bakit sikat si Sadako?

Kasi Lumabas siya sa TV!

1032 unread mail

2006-04-19T20:28:00.000+08:00

...life... it happens to fast, you hardly notice it. sometimes you think that people are moving too fast for you, but then you realize it's just you who don't have time to notice what they are doing for you. *sigh*

the lighter side (cont'd)

2006-03-29T00:16:00.000+08:00

ba lobby
vincent: "ate guard, may naiwan akong ID sa classroom kahapon. saan ko siya pwede hanapin."
ate guard: "tanungin mo si kuya *inser name i have forgotten here*, nakasuot siya ng *insert agency which i have forgotten here* shirt. kung wala sa kaniya, baka nakuha ng kaklase mo."
vincent: "salamat ate. malamang wala yun sa kaklase ko, mejo uwian na nung nawala ko siya."

later... ba 3rd floor, near a pair of trash cans
vincent: "kuya, may napulot ba kayong ID kahapon?"
kuya *whose name i have forgotten*: "wala"
vincent: "sige kuya, salamat na lang."

later... ba 105
vincent: "excuse me po, mag-aaply po for shifting."
person in charge gets list for me to fill up
vincent *trying to grab a pen in bag*: "may nag-iawan po ba ID dito?"
person shakes her head
vincent realizes he is grasping a rectangular plastic object, realizes that he never lost his ID to begin with... grabs a pen and signs up for the shifting application.

much later... yakal residence hall, rm 123
vincent: "Dawn, alam mo yung ID ko?"
dawn: "o, nahanap mo na?"
vincent: "nasa bag ko lang pala."
...long pause....
dawn: "you're dumb"

and so the missing ID was found, and i can still enroll without the hassle of getting a temporary ID this summer. can something that was never what it was be what it is?

apparently...

if my depressiion brings rain on a hot summer's day, maybe i should not even try to be happy

goodbye

2006-03-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

...maybe i'm worrying about things that really shouldn't matter...maybe things won't be much different despite what will happen in the near future...but still, i feel things just doesn't have a reason anymore... i'm sorry if i'm like this, but i really can't help but feel like i've missed a deadline... and like things don't matter anymore...like it's over... but if they really don't matter... why do i feel so empty. face it, was never the emotional type... maybe my low-low emotional self is acting up and making me feel like this... myabe i want to give up because it becomes it gets too complicated...

...i admit that the things i have to go through hurts quite a bit...whether the pains are worth the trouble are still questionable. i often try to convince myself that the pains i have to go through is worth it...this way i won't give up. ...if it means i have to give up on a few things, i will give up to pass it... if it means having to stay up a few nights, i'll do it... but i want to know if i'm actually getting closer to my goal...or do i want to know? i'm afraid of the truths i do not want to accept... so i pretend i have given up, despite hoping... so i pretend nothing is wrong, even if my insides are being torn apart.. are the pains really taking me anywhere? i don't want to think it doesn't...been hurting too much

...right now i feel exhausted... in a way that i don't think even temporary sleep can satisfy... is it wrong for me to want to disappear? for me to just forget everything?

..in the end, it all goes down to the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO LET GO.. but i have to do what i must... maybe it's too soon to give up... but a part of me has had enough of the pains... but then the larger part of me...still...

...i'm sorry if i feel like this, but i need a fail-safe, so i will fill up shifting papers sometime tomorrow... i don't want to give up, but i still need to consider my alternatives...my larger future... because i know that if things do not work out, it won't and unlike others, there won't be another chance...

on the lighter side :) :) :)
Klek: "Vincent, nahulog ID mo."
Vincent: "mm (nods head...busy with 186 exams, hating the fact that he doesn't know how to make an ERD)"
Klek: "Vincent, yung ID mo."
Vincent: "Alam ko..."
Klek: "Di mo pupulutin?"
Vincent: "Mamya na"

10:00 pm, vincent opens his wallet, realized he has forgotten to pick up his ID... *sigh*

harvest

2006-03-24T18:41:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is going to be 1 of the 2 exams that would probably push my life back into direction, or send me towards my one way trip to perpetual self-resentment. and i'm updating my blog.

inspired by the fact that there are people who believe i can do something about it, about the fact that ma'am salazar tried to snap me back into reality, and the fact that my "students" (claims to have) understood what i thought them pretty well. (the person with the higher goal, teaching...)

demotivated by the fact that the exercise a while ago sent my brain to a state of near-vegetable.

if you plant enough seeds, one of them has to grow...

blink

2006-03-20T20:09:00.000+08:00

was annoyed at the world for some unknown reason. got mad after lotte said a sentence. got mad after pete smiled. i don't feel like myself anymore... or maybe i'm being my true self.

am having this strange feeling that life is passing by so quickly but i am in a standstill. i feel like i'm wasting second after second for nothing of importance. in need of a jumpstart... accounting exams is coming up and i haven't reviewed much (again)

dawn was socializing with streetchildren while waiting for our food to be ready (take out sa Rodic's). revelations: streetchildren (at least those in UP Campus) take baths, whenever they get home from work (collecting cans and PET) they have revenues of around Php 40 from a day's haul.

found a hidden source of cash in my locker, can be liquid for the next 3 days (di pa ako uutang sa kapatid ko!) :)

side note:
If you can make someone happy by just saying her name, should you say her name just to make her happy?

a need to rant

2006-03-10T20:22:00.000+08:00

exam tomorrow. grade needed to keep in order to pass, 80...then i get a default -10 for forgetting to pass a set of papers before the exam... signs? maybe...i doubt that i'll be sleeping tonight

i'm sorry

the price of sanity

2006-03-07T20:11:00.000+08:00

the reason for me to loose over 5 hours of my daily sleep for the past week has finally ended. at the beginning (on the first sleepless night, actually) i decided to get rid of my control for the sake of my sanity. that involved not holding back any of the emotions i happen to feel.

at the end of it all, i succeeded in keeping [most of] my sanity. i managed to get rid of the bulk of the exhausted feeling i had after 2 hours of lying down with my eyes closed while thinking "ang ingay ni bitoy." but it came at the price of loosing 2/3 of the net self-respect i had from people, a bulk load of guilty feelings, and an emotional thorn for every person i dissed during my most selfish moments.

and now the usual question...is the fact that i am still sane now worth the pains of knowing that you are nothing more than a liability to this messed up world.

and the world is further disappointed by devils who try wearing halos and white feathery wings.

on the lighter side of life:

The UP Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants, the Financial Project Team, and a bunch of sponsors bring you

LIKHAIN: A Celebration of Unique Filipino Creations

Featuring:
An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
A Fashion Show with apparel from edible materials
and Performances from Local Contemporary Bands

March 11, 2006 (Sa Sabado na Ito!)
7:00 PM
Bahay ng Alumni, UP CAMPUS

Tickets at Php 350 (Inclusive of buffet)

For More Information or TIcket Orders, text me at 09183010777

reorganizing

2006-03-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

met a bunch of "emancipated men" a while ago. they taught me the importance of balancing one's life. Don't let one area of your life take full control of your entirety. Balance should be kept between acads, org, and fun. What I like about them was that they were all successful. I mean, this was the first time i've ever ridden in a car with a sun roof. They even treated all 12 of us with dinner and beer. Capability...this was something i've always envied...whenever people had something that i didn't, or was able to do something i couldn't. I try to keep myself stoic, but it really isn't helping me much with my heart problems. I feel exhausted... I feel like giving up on everything that life has given. I am having a very bad death wish, and on a time when i needed someone to help me with my burden, everybody fails me.

i guess one way occurs in my life more than once at a time.

and when i needed a comfort zone, you failed me. maybe this is why cigarrettes where invented. (no, i don't smoke...) maybe i'll enjoy this new organizatiion more...

annoyed

2006-02-27T21:49:00.000+08:00

...annoyed... no better adjective describes the feeling i have right now...

...maybe it's because he smiles...maybe because he acts close...maybe because he seems so old-fashioned...maybe because he thinks tucked in shirts and cleanly combed hair is cool... maybe because he poses on every table he can find...maybe because his eyes squint whenever he is "entertained"... maybe because he is ordering me around after being inactive in something else... maybe it's the way he talks... maybe because he merely exists and the devil inside me hates his every gut. whenever he's around, i feel like i have horns on my head, bat wings on my back, and a fork for a hand ornament.

am i supposed to be consumed by his burning enthusiasm for the committee? am i supposed to smile when he cracks a joke at me?

nope... all i have to do is get annoyed, and at least take the effort "not" to show that i am annoyed...

if a guy in Yakal dies of spontaneous combustion, his death would not have been too "spontaneous", i'd have found a way to kill him without anybody noticing that I did it.

hatred, it feels great. BWAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

exorcist

2006-02-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

while i was surfing the net, looking for a way to clean my sister's overly-virused computer, I cam across a very entertaining one-liner from www.download.com: "exorcising your possessed computer using spybot". I really enjoyed the thought that i was actually doing something that some people considered exorcism. :)

fixing pc's are so much easier as compared to fixing lives... maybe too many people depend on me (and they don't even realize that they're giving me a big burden). but for they're sakes i have to carry the weight on my shoulders (which feels heavy right now...can't straighten my back again).

why can't it be as simple as fixing bugs in a pc...download a registy fixer, download an adware cleaner, update virus definitions, full system scans, when all else fails reformat...if that still doesn't work, replace. people aren't like pc's. you cannot reformat their minds to clean up the bugs... you can't replace one life for another.

and now the antivirus software has a virus (this is one helluva messed up computer my sister has). exorcist i am not

reciprocate

2006-02-22T20:22:00.000+08:00

this is just a funny thing i blurted out while my roommate and i were buying dinner.

reciprocating love is a funny thing,

if you give 4, you get back 1/4

if you give 100, you get back 1/100

the more you give out, the less you receive back.

so you should learn to give 1 and take back 1

otherwise give zero and get infinity in return. :)

love is something that was never supposed to be reciprocated. :)

shadows

2006-02-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

when nothing you say can result in anything good, you just shut up.

face it, life is all about learning from the daily pain and suffering. I pity the happy, they live stupid. (OK, where did shut up when nothing you say can result to anything good go?)

reality, it's all about the fact that it doesn't seem real anymore.

as far as the rest of the world is concerned this is reality. as far as i am concerned, the world is looking instead of seeing.

"Sometimes it's cruel to be kind" ---you can learn a lot from anime. :)

and when happiness becomes mutually exclusive with a success rate of a maximum of 20%, we end up holding on to what we can hold on to... then letting go of everything else. and we would more often than not settle for second best.

~~ what am i supposed to be doing right now?

~~ i need to disappear for a while...

seriously?

2006-02-15T20:24:00.000+08:00

moment of rest, feels nice...my brain feels weird, cannot type well...

it has been the best of times, it has been the worst of times... and i am enjoying myself somewhere in the middle.

depression feels so distant now... it's almost weird... not even the fact that i need an 80 all over again depressed me this time.

decided to just enjoy what i have right now...even if i'm not sure what it is. didn't want to feel this way, but after the results of this week... i guess it should be fine, right?

but as usual... i have to give up on things.

life...living it is just so costly, but it's the way we manage these costs that makes it so much fun to live. :)

what i think about before an accounting exam

2006-02-10T20:09:00.000+08:00

...yup, i am hopeless...

...mejo kinakabahan ako para sa exam bukas, normally wala akong pakialam, bumagsak man o hindi, bahala na... siguro dahil mababaw lang ang inaral ko ngayon...

..face it, this is one of those miracles I cannot do...or maybe I'm just trying to find a reason to get away from all the stress...

..life is an allusion..

on previous cases, i know what to do... i just don't want to do it... but in this case, i have no idea what i should do...

mag-aral na nga

FP launch over

2006-02-03T22:39:00.000+08:00

Tapos na ang FP Launch!

edit ko pa yung poster some times soon bago ko i-upload, mali pa yung date and stuff...

...good feelings right now, maybe it's because nobody explicitly said they hated the video...

...maybe because I can sleep well tonight...

...maybe it's just the beer...

...oh well, bukas na magtrabaho ulit, tulog muna ak. :)

-----

on the side note, I could have liked the launch better if she kept her word and went to the launch, I did make the closing credits for her...

oh well, bigay ko na lang yung CD.

LET"S GO FP!

Congrats kay Sheryl, ang sarap ng food at ang ganda ng set-up ng venue! The smoothness was all thanks to your planning, at masaya akong di tayo gaano nahassle sa event itself. :) [though i doubt you'll ever read this]

What was that?

2006-02-02T00:15:00.000+08:00

Multi-tasking. Using roommates PC to do other stuff while my own PC renders videos.

Hating my task as FP promo vice-chair, it involves giving up on sleep. But it's a part of life, which I simply have to do. Beyond that, though I hate my job right now, I really like it as a whole. I know I'll feel much better this Friday (when I have accounting ...and econ?... to worry about.

would like to sleep now...

just noticed my previous post...

...does this really have to happen? How did I let it get this far...maybe I should stop thinking of myself for a while and think of a "compromise." Maybe I'm just afraid of the would-be consequence, or maybe I'm just having cold feet right now... Why did I change so much?

thining too much. :)

FP launch! Bukas na!

FP mode

2006-02-01T15:39:00.000+08:00

akalain mo, may internet kami ng hapon. at competent ang speed niya.

random thoughts, can't stay too long, need to go to an FP meet later. Hassle yung FP video, may lumalabas na mga problema. Biglang may missing video codecs, missing video clips, extremely large video files na di kaya ng mahina kong PC, and so on...

Nagapahula ako kay Boiboi nung isang araw (or so). King Spade, Ace Heart, Ace Spade, 9 Spade, 6 clubs, 5 Spades, Queen Heart. Making better progress than I first thought. :)

haha...don't know what to do with life anymore. :)

FP mode na lang, sana mapostpone ang exam sa 114!

FP launch, 2 tulog na lang!

happiness

2006-01-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

after spending the weekend watching anime, doing posters, walking around malls with friend and family, and staring at an empty space, i found the thing i really want to do. I enjoy doing stuff that are completely useless for the sake of enjoying. More people should learn that hyper-effieciency is a bad thing, and would result to a break of mind, body, and spirit. (i mean you, richellou)

maybe it's because i'm too laid back for my own good, but i enjoy staring at empty spaces, thinking of absolutely nothing that could possibly help me or mankind in any way.

Today, I learned the value of a bookstore. It kills 30 mins easily when you're 2 hours too early for a movie, even if neither you or your companion is that interested in books (and to think the thought of asking her to watch a movie was to drag her away from her books.)

it's funny, i actually enjoyed my weeked *thinking of jen's reply: "njoy ur wkend 2"* life is filled with signs and allusions. :)

abort, retry, fail

2006-01-17T20:12:00.000+08:00

i guess the biggest difference i have with those who chose to let go was that i've always loved accounting (though it doesn't seem to love me as much, academically speaking)

i thought that failing accounting was a certain thing, but who knew it would give me a failing grade and still let me continue living my life for it. But before that, i thought my life would shatter...the thought of giving up on something that you love was so real...so i made plans. i convinced myself that it wouldn't be too bad to give up on accounting... after all, it has always made me suffer more than necessary... maybe i'll do things that i've always wanted to do but couldn't because of accounting!

and so my contingency plan was accomplished, and so that maybe i could be happier without accounting. i can be active in JPIA without any holdbacks...i'll have enough time to play my PC games... i won't have to take a board exam or anything like that. it CAN be perfect, and losing accounting might be painful at first, but it CAN be so much better, and probably will... I took steps to secure the plan, i applied for FP, I looked up my subjects, and I started taking precautions for the worst (or maybe BEST)

akalain mo, pumasa ako...with a grade of 68.79 (passing was 69, pinagbigyan ako) and a 100% consideration for quizzes and assignments (which was supposedly below 50%). it was something so fragile, that even a single -1 variable could ruin, but it was there... i didn't have to give it up after all...

...but what if I fell in love with my contingency plans? what if I decided that I'd rather have a higher paying CFA job rather than a would-be CPA?

but i really didn't have a choice in the matter...i had to continue accounting, i had to give up part of my contingency plans, but i had to face the responsibilities of the things I engaged in while preparing my contingency plans.

now, i am still an accounting student, who has more work because of his contingency plan, more responsibilities, more things to worry about...but i can't do anything about it...or maybe i don't want to do anything about it.

is it really "MY" life to live? "MY" choices? is accouting what i want? or maybe i truly want to give up accounting and just live my plan B?

at least accounting has potential...that makes all the difference between this and that.

temporary

2006-01-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

temporary respite...i have a week with no exams (i think), still won't get much sleep though, have somewhere to go 6:30 later, and FP's midpoint will be an overnight in marj's house (asa ka pang may tulog ako don)

FP's materializing, will be there soon

feeling emotionally dettached, shouldn't last too long.

found new reasons in life, they could be more mistakes, and will probably end badly, but i'll take it anyway, for the sake of learning. :)

yes, chiara, i am a user... i've accepted that already. Using people to my advantage (and getting used in the process) flows through me as naturally as my blood flow, so i can't help it.

everything in life is temporary, that's why people act the way they are. we only have one life to live so we try to live it as it lasts, and we have to give up somethings to pursue what we truly want. The things in life aren't here forever, so we try to enjoy it while it lasts, when it's gone, it probably won't be coming back. But when you figure out that even emotions can be temporary, you start losing sight of the point of living life. You will enjoy it, but for how long? You will be depressed, but for how long?

and that is why people act the way they do. they just have their own versions of enjoying life or just waiting for it to end.

lost sheep

2006-01-07T17:50:00.000+08:00

the very things that matter most to you are probably the things that you will lose.

sorry...feel very bad because of it.

what it means to be type-d

2006-01-06T20:30:00.000+08:00

got this from reader's digest not a long time ago.

the type-d personality basically means that you are so much more prone to heart attack than the usual person. this is probably caused by the fact that you worry too much about things, you don't get enough sleep, and you lack the basic or above basic social needs, such as good friends.

so if you're the type of person who's usually alone, has trouble falling asleep most of the time, worries more than you don't, and has unexplained chest pains... this is you.

so if you are type-d, you have to accept one fact, you will die sooner than most other people. here are some things that you should do:
a. turn your life to hell and make yourself regret every living moment
and look forward to death or
b. do something about it and live life to the fullest

If you choose b you should:
i. be safe, avoid stressful things and enjoy your life without putting itself into risk
ii. risk it, live your life for a reason, for a belief. If you find what you are looking for, you will live longer; if you don't you will die sooner.

BTW, if you are reading this before my exam ends, if it isn't too much trouble, pray for me. with my current study state, i could really use it. i may not look it, but i still want to believe in something, and i still have plans to live long(er)

"you're the same...i mean that in a good way"

2006-01-04T00:36:00.000+08:00

what joie said to me after not seeing her since last April... actually joie, you just missed it.

funny how things happened the way they did. jeona said (after not talking to her since time immemorial) that i was different... in a way that she couldn't express to be good or bad... just different. How joie saw me as the same when the transition point was in between is beyond me.

maybe it doesn't matter. :) the same feelings are happening again... as though nothing happened between April and now. Like my life just lapsed a while from then to now, only accounting is 10x harder and i have a pang of pain on my chest every 10 mins or so. My personal stand was supposedly: a student of life who learns from all the mistakes you have to go through. So why do i feel like the entire 8 months just happened for no good reason.

life...is not worth living sometimes. or maybe it's just because i'm back to who i was before that day of october... it's like nothing happened

"you're the same... i mean that in a good way. you're the vincent i like, and if you're any different you'll be a different vincent."

...right...

Vincent, your true color is Blue!

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!
-from http://web.tickle.com

return

2006-01-03T00:28:00.001+08:00

Back to school...back to my dorm bed...back to a bunch of other stuff. Though the vacation was short, it was enjoyable at the very least. Below are some of the more significant things I did.

After tripling my usual meals. I have finally gained a whopping 1KG! Unberibwaboru! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (yes...i am pathetic)

Spent over 60 hours playing Radiata Stories. The game is about Jack Russel, a 16-year old boy who dreams about becoming a famous knight like his late father. He lived a happy life as a mercenary (after being kicked out from the knights) until the day his friend (and apparently beloved) Ridley gets possessed by the spirit of an ancient elf. Thus he has to make a choice between living his dreams, saving humanity and becoming all famous OR protecting the girl, having to fight all those he once considered as friends for the sake of his love.

Spent less than 60 hours making movies with the Lionhead Game: The Movies (for the PC). Realized that I am not as disturbed with Lesbians than I am with Gays. Realized I love making money off other people's efforts. (Maybe i should become a movie star manager)

Spent a lot of time doing Skousen problems (accounting is never truly forgotten for too long)

Watched Chicken Little. It was short, and...short.

Watched (listened to...it's hard to watch a movie while playing PC games at the same time) Notting Hill for the third time. Classic!

Went out of the house 3 times. First involved light Christmas Shopping, buying pizza and being mistaked for a girl. Second involved lunch, mom's birthday and getting mistaked for a girl. Third involved going to Pampanga, never returning to Baguio, and getting mistaked for a girl. (...life...)

Felt like I lost something important. Tried to ignore it, but the feeling is still there. Did a lot of reflection over the break over this, but to no avail. Tried, considered, can't...not when things are happening as they are. Life is that simple, i guess.

Greeted people Merry Christmas. The one person you truly want to hear from ignores you...completely.

Got worried over things, the usual.

Greeted people a happy new year after resolving to just reply to those who text me first. (willpower zero). Face it, am hopeless. Tried to miss call someone 9 seconds after ABS-CBN announced the new year, failed. Tried with someone else...*sh*t it connected*. To the involved sorry, didn't mean anything with that. Realized a feeling, waiting for someone to text, seeing the message came from someone else, get disappointed. She must have felt the same.

Watched Dodgeball. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

After reflecting figured out things I want to do, but will probably never do!
-become a farmer in Hokkaido. (did i spell that right? mooooo!)
-live as a buddhist monk in the himalayas (solitude)
-be a book-owner in london (all the books, and the double-deck buses, and the rain)
-have a family (life is painful, a family is painful, pain is the epitaph of learning...now if only i can convince myself that what i just said is true)
-be a manager of a movie star (cash from another's stupidity and effort)
-be a games tester for a leading video game company (love and money in one)

tseason's greetings

2005-12-26T13:55:00.000+08:00

yming right now for FP. *Go FP*

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

will update better next year. :)

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge!
Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving
Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

got the above from Jill. :) hi jill

what i never told you

2005-12-11T17:31:00.000+08:00

what began as a little distraction for her just got of hand...too far out of hand. before it happened, i had my usual self-debate on the effects of what i would do. why bother starting something that you know will only end soon? it was the same problem i had when i was deciding to go to Diliman for the sake of another. but i guess this was something i really wanted, so knowing the remote chance of success, i still took the risk. i was stupid to think that it wouldn't be that hard to keep myself at a safe distance and still be there when i was needed. and it was also much more stupid of me to think that i was capable of ending it myself as soon as i was no longer needed. it's funny, our problems are much more similar than i first thought it to be. :) i have always known the problem at hand, i just refused to acknowledge it, thinking that it would just speed up the inevitable ends. and here was where i was most stupid, believing that it was possible for it not to end. *Zero is too smart for its own good...he's making me depressed again...* but i did do something later... i remember you asking "why are you telling me this now?" the delay was all because of the thought that i didn't want to end things yet. what i told you then was something intended to be more of a speed up than a slow down, i gave up at that time. just thought that maybe if I did something about it, i wouldn't feel to bad about having to let go. I was right, it was easier to handle things when you know you've already said your own part. How it happened that we came back from where we started is something beyond my analysis. Just when i thought that things were better that way, things come rolling back and the thing is, and i am enjoying myself again. and all this is at another's expense. haha...:D what i want for christmas is something no one can give. :)

change of heart

2005-12-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

legs are killing me... life is too exhausting recently with all the walk-ins, reviews, classes, petty problems, and detours i have to take. well, at least i didn't get a violation last night...

*life...sometimes i wonder if you even know half of the things i have to go through for you* |D

recently losing sleep over a nagging feeling i got sometime during the weekend, somehow i felt that things weren't the same anymore. i didn't feel as energetic as i usually do (and that should equivalent to almost dead in my case) but after the calm feeling i got when i woke up after an hours nap awhile ago, i figured it must have been fatigue (FP...). Getting a better rested mind, and seeing things that matter to you usually in a close range from a distance makes you realize a few things...

realized a few things really can't be changed that easily. haha :P my little experiment failed, things are back from where I left it 2 weeks ago. The things that happened recently must be my fault for trying to rush changes too much. Maybe I was just getting too comfortable with my current life that I got too afraid, so i ended up trying to destroy it before anything else does... *yes, i am weird*

so i guess the lesson here is to just live with what you have and make the most out of it. Things won't last forever, but maybe i should be less of a wheel of destiny and just let things happen as they should. (or maybe i shouldn't...who knows)

BACBACAN's over, hope you are in a better mood now. :)

Just Before I Poke With My Sister's CPU

2005-12-04T18:02:00.000+08:00

spent most of the day with my dad and sister today.

found out that the Ortigas Station is closer to SM than the Shaw Station, but if you're gonna go to Shangri-la beforehand, take the Shaw station.

Everything in Shangri-la Plaza (or was that Crossings?...or are they one and the same?) is expensive. Mrs Fields ice cream is good.

Hotel room, missed the chance to take a night in one last night (also missed seafood feast last night)

Had lunch in some Chinese Restaurant, ordered Squid balls and seaweeds noodles (for the experience of taking it). Hated it like hell, puked 30 mins later. *sigh*

Went to Toy Store, found cute teddy bear and pig (...ur...) piggy banks. Thought, it would be cruel to withdraw your cash after (poor Barbie). *but i guess it would be fun to hammer that teddy bear*. Also saw some toys which were so disturbingly cute, you'd get a shiver.

Found a potential catch job in case I fail accounting. I would like to work in the toy department and get paid to build model kits (although they are for other people)

Bought 50 P8 CDs. Should have bought P7 CDs, but I changed my mind when I saw the CDs with the Sheep design (bought 10 of those and 40 other CDs)

Bought a P45 CD spindle... later found a P39 CD spindle that can hold as much... *darn*

Homewards...got worried about taking the right train home. Relief came later when I found out it was the right train. (wondered if MRT's normally swayed left and right)

remembering something

2005-12-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

can't sleep...thoughts are bugging me....

it wasn't a year ago when my life changed...the usual depression i had vanished for a while, but when it returned, it was different, it was easier to handle. It was sometime December last year... I tried not to tell her, but eventually i did... i wanted to wait until things were better. Maybe somehow, i could save what i believed in and reserve what i wanted to say to make things better. But eventually i realized that there are some things that will never happen. I decided to let go of my little dream so another can live hers. as far as i know, my words became a catalyst...no... rather a reactant of change. (it had a bad by-product). Since then, i realized i was no longer afraid of changes... I knew i would be depressed but it would not last forever. I had to watch things I never wanted to see, listen to things i never wanted to hear, touch things i never wanted to feel. But that did make me stronger (emotionally)...

had i not done what i did... would things be different? i really don't have any regrets on what i did almost a year ago... i do wish i told her sooner... it could have saved a lot of people quite some pain...

...but why does this time feel so different from the last?...

...messed up another online quiz...

2005-11-28T23:36:00.000+08:00

Naturally Smart

You're a naturally smart person. Your intelligence comes to you naturally, rather than from instruction - and you are better with applied or more real-world things... which comes in handy, here in the real world.

20% applied intelligence
40% natural intelligence

Got this from Lawrence. Ei Boss, pagaling agad! :)

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

sorry for the mod, ayaw lumabas ng image pagkinopya lang yung source code

life is a big lie...it's really too complicated to take seriously. :P

reynaline grace tugade

2005-11-27T00:59:00.000+08:00

My life isn't that much different, I just learned a few things without realizing it....

Maybe I expect too much from myself, that I try to carry this burden on my own... But when I think about it, people have been helping me with it. I have been passing this cross around, not like the last time when I couldn't find anyone to carry it with me... Maybe because back then, nobody understood...

Maybe because I thought you needed me to be strong... so I pretended that I have learned to smile despite my depression... Or maybe because I have learned to let go of things faster now without realizing it myself... Maybe I just got too used to the pain, that it all seems ordinary now...

Today, Rei, I want to thank you for reaching out to me, for telling me your problems, and for listening to mine. It's nice to feel needed, and it's also nice to need someone (in a way)

Wishing you the best! :)

nights aren't what they used to be...

2005-11-26T04:51:00.000+08:00

...can't sleep...figured that i might was well be productive and take advantage of yakal's high-speed connection....

i am sleepy, but all the thoughts in my head is keeping me awake... sat school later, must be up by 7:00 (or so); FP finally has a title; Genmeet soon, need a teaser; Must do marketing for FP; I feel like i've been replaced; E&R commeet, can i even stay awake for it; Mark getting mad at me because of my second committee; Need to edit Anicia and Klek's pix; Still have 186 to do before Sunday; Must meet Sheryl tomorrow; Must text, must not text; Download should be finished by now; Must finish my project soon; Life chapter is over, face it; Time is running out; My hand hurts; My e-fan is to noisy; Must gain weight; Maybe i should update my blog; emotional spillage; various one-liners said in my past; regrets, regrets, more regrets, and what was the other one, oh right, regrets.

Well, better get to work on Anicia's pic... and 186, and whatever I can finish in 2 hours.

FP Teaser:

Nandito lang ako...
Hihintayin Kita...
Maski na hindi ka dumating...

FINANCIAL PROJECT 2006

something new everyday

2005-11-23T20:45:00.000+08:00

haha...something to blog about everyday... this blog doesn't feel like the results of boredom anymore... :) Feels awkward, but i should care about that too much, why? (hell if i cared about what others' thought, i'd be studying in another school enjoying cool air and a playstation 2 and not worrying about failing an exam that involves addition)

looking back, i've bee blogging about depression for too many previous entries, and people keep asking me if I'm alright. (di pa sila nasanay sa akin...been like this since we've *insert any name of a person i know here* met for the first time). Sure there were times when i gave more than usual significant effort to be happy, but I can't contort my face to that position forever. :) *thus smileys on my blog, to show my good mood* To anyone who cares, just stop...it's starting to get annoying. :) *more smileys in my blog*

went to court today. It was 4 (or 5) annulment cases and a rape case that was later held in the chamber (of secrets). Anyway, i learned something today! Hassle magkaasawa. Lalo na pagnagpakasal lang kayo dahil nabuntis mo yung babae... [conclusion: wag mag-asawa maski na mabuntis mo ang babae...joke (ok now i feel like victor...or so i think...no...i doubt he feels stupid whenever he says that)]

moving on... (double meaning, unintended, but quite possible) maybe i just saw someone in a place at a time to remind me of something...girl who i don't know, sitting alone in a very sentimental way, staring into the great space i like calling "kawalan" *therefore kung kinain ka ng kawalan, ikaw ay nakatitig sa isang napakalaking puwang sa buhay*. Anyway, maybe it was that little thought that "nobody has the right to be that sad" and "oh wait, i'm one to talk...ur...think to myself in an extremely audible way".

I need to cheer up. Pinky's starting to tell me to get psychological help, but i already know what a psychologist/psychiatrist (well, the gist...don't really know the terms they use) will tell me, so why bother. so maybe i should just do what i need to do and just get on with my life...(she'd be happy)... :) *again, smiley in my blog*

can't turn back time to take back what i've done, but i'd do it again anyway even if i could... some things are worth the pain. :) *more smileys in my blog*

nagging thoughts

2005-11-22T21:07:00.000+08:00

i have no idea how much more i can pretend... (am not very good at it, even if i've been doing it most of my life...) Kanina, sinabi sa akin ni Rayvin
"Bakit lagi kang malungkot?" tapos mamaya "Nalulungkot ako sa itsura mo." *sigh* sorry Rayvin, ganito lang talaga ang mukha ko.

today was a significant effort to try to seem energetic and joyful...i tried, i failed...what else is new.

still have thoughts i want to tell you, but i'll wait (parang di pa ako nagsawa) for you to say your side first. stll believe that what happened was for everybody's best...which proves...(thoughts cut)

anyway, court tomorrow!!! woohooo go courthouse and would have been future career which dad still wants me to do but i don't feel like it anymore

...life...

2005-11-20T16:21:00.000+08:00

it's all about the little things of interest that makes people feel better. there will always be another reason to keep smiling. :) image and warm fuzzy feeling c/o themexp.org

day of losses

2005-11-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

...done with my usual rant to God...the usual God you'd be smart to send me to hell because if you bring me to heaven I WILL KILL YOU! But that's done, picked up the rosary i tossed and asked for forgiveness, whether he has, i don't give a damn, though.
the day was fine, i was down for a while, thinking if i did the right thing when i told her... down a bit lower when she seemed to avoid me somewhat... but it wsan't that bad, she did talk to me. As I planned for whatever future events could bring, the little glimmers of hope, the shadows of failures...

FP brought more stress with impending deadlines.

Then a guy tried to pick my phone from my pocket during the jeep ride home. I felt it, so i placed my phone in my bag. And voila, he succeeded in picking my phone from my bag without me realizing. oh mental barrier, you are useless...oh prayer for a safe journey home, you were also useless. I'd rather be stabbed in the chest right now, at least i'd be unconscious.

And more, i cannot find my flash disk. Who knows maybe it became a thieves consolation prize. (I am officially fed up with pocket-sized technology)

Maybe i became to accustomed to depression. Not the feeling behind my eyes, not the wounds and bruises in my fists, not the emptiness in my heart, not the murderous intent i have right now...i'd probably kill myself before i get to cry...and now my fan is noisy...

on the side note, stabbed a mouse with a cutter...a while later, i found out my phone got lost. God was not kind enough to let event B occur first.

something to laugh about

2005-11-17T23:28:00.000+08:00

got this from zel's blog (hi zel!)

this is either one of the more inaccurate quizzes or i just have no idea to answer it to get my personality out. :)

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP)

You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations.
You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky.

You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations.
It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school.

You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you.
You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience.

In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment.

At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur.

With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out.

As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes.

On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

The Three Question Personality Test

futility of it all

2005-11-15T19:58:00.000+08:00

i can pretend as much as I want to, but that won't make me feel any better... i guess no matter what heppens, this depression which i felt for the first time in the first year of college (or so i think i did) will always echo. it's a really funny empty feeling in your chest, as though your heart is getting smaller by the second... then it affects you and everyone will eventually notice it. Pretending nothing is wrong is easy the first few hours, but when you realize that you've simply taken too much, you just break... i am not a machine, i do have a heart (even if it is small) and after several hits (which i would really have loved to avoid, but chose not to for the sake of another) you'd loose your will to pretend and just want it all to end. bluntness and insensitivity... i can pretend to have it but eventually... hopefully sleep would do me better than last night.

comedy of it all:
if you keep giving out pieces of yourself, you'll eventually run out for yourself.

to everyone, sorry for the day, just have something in mind

reasons

2005-11-14T20:22:00.000+08:00

life and fireworks. A moment of light, then before you know it, it's over.

The good thing, it also applies to some of the darker moments.

Things in life never last forever (if the other were true, she wouldn't be talking to me since forever) and sometimes we simply have to go through hell to realize the bit of heaven we have right now.

thought: "I believe" (and believing has gotten me farther than i expected)

morning coffee

2005-11-12T09:13:00.000+08:00

cooling down my morning coffee a bit. (i think it's darker than usual, maybe it's because i placed too little creamer? or maybe it has something to do with the fact that i stored all three items needed [coffee, creamer, sugar] in not so air-tight storage causing all of them to develop some sort of expiration or something]

anyway, it has been a while.

thoughts:
coffee is bitter, but good (not like ampalaya)
i'd be happier if you drink less coffee, it doesn't do that much good for you (but it is still good, in another way)
coffee, when not taken for a time, can affect your sleeping habits, for the better! (unless you have a night shift) but in a way, some things are worth the sacrifice

not coffee-related thoughts
distance...maybe it's just my imagination, but some of the people i've been with last sem seems farther than they were before. Sure we only have 2-4 subjects together from the previous 5, but is that enough of an excuse to feel this distance? And for a change, i feel like they are the once distancing, instead of me. (oi, new experiences, sort of...[thinking of first year, first sem]...OK maybe not...) Some of the other people feel closer, though. That's good. :) (oi, new experience, Vincent enjoying the company of people too much...)

will post boiboi-monkey as soon as i get my hands on roommates resources. :)

may meeting nga pala ako ng 10:00, di pa ako naliligo...

and again

2005-11-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

yakal internet connection is up again, broadband internet... joy
(now if only i can find someone competent enough to fix my LAN cable...)

what to blog about....life is nice recently, had 10 reasons to be depressed but 11 reasons to be happy, so that's good. :)

so another sem of figuring out how to speed up my PC; downloading quasi-useless data; trying to pass at least one accounting exam; doing a lot of JPIA stuff which i will probably not like doing but end up doing anyway; cleaning 500 mail from my inbox; overnights with Pinky or Pete; and other things I dare not blog about (yet) has begun.

happy birthday zel (3mins ago)

sem break

2005-10-13T19:49:00.000+08:00

final exam bukas sa 114.1, at nag-uupdate ako ng blog habang naghahanap ng WINAMP Skin at nakikinig ng instrumental version ng Don't Cry for Me Argentina.

i can finally take a break after tomorrow, and I'd wake up in Baguio. *relief* to bad it might end sooner than expected... still need to get my 114.1 grade as soon as it's ready. Plus there's planning sem (payagan kaya ako?). I have no idea what convinced me to become an EB (again) after I told myself that it would be too much work. Must be the pending ease of life caused by the this sem's loss. I am now a vice chair for promotions for the financial project *or i think i am*

maybe it hasn't really hit me yet...sem break... Baguio, cold climate, playstation, a pantry full of food, no accounting *regardless whether it's sem break or not* , no assignments, no more exams, no collateral worries...no Broadband internet connection from 8:00pm to 1:00am, 24-hrs during weekend.

funny though, i am not actually looking forward *that much* to going home... maybe it's my failing accounting subject; maybe it's the loss of the nice *quasi-nice* internet connection; maybe because i really don't see the reason to go home had i the choice not to, maybe it's because the fact that there is no thing-that-I-want-to-be-OK-and-the-fact-that-it-was-OK-before-i- left-home-gives-me-the-false-impression-that-it-would-be-OK-again-when-i-get-home, or maybe because i have this feeling that the "distance" will make things "distant" from what i want to heppen.

...well who cares...i guess. as long as i don't have any exams to worry about, who cares if i'm missing something because of the fact that i am going home.

dear reader, don't bother checking this site for two weeks since this post, won't update any when i get home

bumps along the way (accrued love, expensed as hatred)

2005-10-11T21:34:00.000+08:00

just when you thought you've finally planned out your broken life you find half-truths, revelations, constraints and other hindrances...

...you find out that the subject you just want to give up on won't let you go without giving you hell...

...you find out that the family who has given you the right to fail won't let you give up in the remote chance that you did pass...

...you find out that your father is blaming you for the failure, because you did not strive hard enough...

...you find out that your extremely undemanding academic life won't begin anytime soon...

...you find out that the dorm won't let you stay any longer than Friday, meaning I'll have to look for a place to stay for a while...

...you realize that taking an EB position would involve extra costs in cash and time in the form of planning sems and other stuff...

...you realize that your little break in Baguio would be cut short with all the things you need to get and do, from contingent planning seminars to getting your failed grade in 114.1...

...you remember that father would never come to pick up your stuff and leave you to stay in Diliman...

...you find out that your cash and clothes (should have given my laundry) would not sustain you for too long if you do extend your stay in Diliman...

...you remember petty commitments in your life that will get into your way...soon...

There has been so much that I wanted to do, and so much I want to do (or do still)... but sometimes there are just too many constraints to make things possible... There are things that you want to stop doing, but events lead you to keep doing them. Do I not have enough control over my life to choose the things I want to give up on? Here's another funny thing, families are supposed to know you better than anyone else, right? So why does everyone else understand the feeling I have and they don't?

And after rejecting me four times, you still won't let me go, will you? Maybe I am that pathetic... to keep suffering for your sake regardless of all the pains you have put me through... Was it not enough for you to tell me in the face you will never like me the way I did to you? You just have to taunt me until the last moment, keep beside me, make me feel like I am nothing without you, then discard me right after. Let's see if you can still manage to make me suffer next sem, when you become Managerial instead of Advanced.

and after all that... ngiti naman tayo. :)

dream's end

2005-10-10T20:13:00.000+08:00

today was the end of my dream to debit and credit. and the funny part is, i'm not depressed. i'm more disappointed by the fact that she was ignoring me after the exam than the fact that i could hardly understand any of the bond problems. face it, after being rejected three times, the fourth time was like *woosh*. the first step in forgiveness to oneself is acceptance, i guess.

other things that have happened:

talkative rabbit was losing weight, but pretty nonetheless

sinabi ko naman na ganyan ako, diba?

pizza hut. hindi sulit

wasted cash again...

thought of the moment: "waking up isn't that bad."

the sound of rain falling...

2005-10-08T10:53:00.000+08:00

...has nothing to do with this post...

lost post...here's the gist. I'm sorry, for saying, for doing, for trying, all when i should not be.

accounting, 2 more...maybe you'd smile, maybe you won't. but still...

maybe it's too late, but i will still keep trying, until the very last moment has been spent or wasted.

one last week in Diliman, then finally, rest. whether in peace or anxiety, time will tell.

thorns and tears

2005-09-30T08:59:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder why i even give the effort to make something happen... what will be, will be. sometimes the very things you want to heppen won't and the things you're trying to prevent will.

sometimes, they start happening the moment you've learned to give up on the "impossible" then they start unhappening the moment you start believing in it (again)

three faint red marks on my right arm... life is a bed of roses, extrememly thorny. If you want to take a load off, don't look for a bed of roses, look for a sofa...

let's all learn to enjoy God's games of destiny :)

interviewed an applicant yesterday... funny how it happened that she cried even if all her main interviewers where actually biased on her favor. *sigh*

sometimes smiles aren't enough...sometimes smiles are simply too much...no matter how sincere they are.

thought of this moment: is it better to give comfort or teach strength?

tomorrow, the cycle will start again